“How do I keep the contagious effect of negativity from rubbing off on me?” is the question that I’m asked most frequently by my seminar participants. My reply: The Three P’s. These were inspired by the work of Dr. Martin Seligman who has extensively studied what makes some people positive despite the most dire circumstances. Likewise, what makes some people consistently negative no matter what positive things may come their way? The key is to ask yourself the following questions.

The Three P’s for Staying Positive

Is it personal?
When the company downsizes, when the boss throws a tantrum or when the co-worker in the next cubicle grumbles in response to your morning greeting, ask yourself: “Are any of these really about me?” Most of the time you’ll discover that in fact you cannot—and should not—own that negativity. A comment in a popular women’s magazine was quite telling. It said “You would be depressed if you knew how SELDOM people were really thinking about you.” In other words, it is NOT about you as much as you may think it is.

Is it permanent?
The popular expression “This too shall pass.” applies here. The extent to which you can see the “light at the end of the proverbial tunnel” is the extent to which you can remain positive…in spite of all. On the other hand, those who dwell on the negative side are likely to think “I see the light at the end of the tunnel and it looks like an oncoming train to me”.

Does it matter in the big picture?
A man in one of my seminars told me that, unlike his colleagues who had been sent to my seminar to get their negative attitudes “fixed”, he was attending to learn how to “fix” his boss. When I inquired about the boss’ shortcomings he said, “My boss chews me out in the hallway daily, just for sport!” I asked how he managed to stay positive in spite of this daily Dilbert-style dressing down. He explained, “When my boss is screaming, turning bright red, with veins bulging in his forehead, I simply look at him, but in the back of my mind I’m thinking, ‘When they record the history of time, will THIS event be documented? NO!’ “

Counteract the Negatives

In the mid 1980’s I was working as a department director at a medium sized state university. At that time, most of the staff felt that universities were immune to the downsizing trend that had begun gaining momentum. So you can imagine our shock when a newly hired university president began slashing jobs campus-wide. Fear and panic set in. A dark cloud hung over the campus. I recall that everyone I encountered seemed to have an undercurrent of gloom and doom in their tone.

It occurred to me this was a situation where I could not change the negativity. My only recourse was to COUNTERACT it. You can do the same. Find other ways to counteract the non-negotiable negatives. Better yet, find a positive option that might also provide a financial fall back plan in case you lose your job!

Thus, my new “moonlight” as a part time Mary Kay Cosmetics consultant was created. I remember my academic colleagues teasing, “You’re peddling lipsticks? Everything is so pink! And, so perky!” My reply: “I need pink and perky to counteract the negativity! Plus, it is my back up plan. What’s yours?”

Even though some of my colleagues would not have chosen the same alternate job that I did, they did understand that it was really about having options. That’s what keeps you from feeling like your back is against the wall and you have nowhere to go. Have you ever noticed the most negative people are those who feel that they have no choices? They feel stuck. When you think about a current unsatisfactory situation that you’re in, what are YOUR options?

Get a life!

Several years ago I had an opportunity to conduct training for a large organization know for its conflict and workplace drama. “Take names!” my client told me. I was puzzled by this request. Apparently, he wanted me to take down the name of anyone in the training who seemed particularly “volatile.” I didn’t fully embrace this idea, but proceeded with the training.

About half way through the day-long workshop, one of the men in that day’s group of 30 participants, said, “You know, Sarita, when I’m laying awake at night, I think about this place….When I’m at the grocery store, I think about this place….When I’m walking down the street, I think about this place.” As I’m listening to him, the thought crosses my mind, “Where’s my pen and paper? I need to write this man’s name down!” As my 16 year old daughter would have said, “He was creeping me out!”

Just as I was contemplating my next move, the other 29 workshop participants shouted at this man in unison, as though they had choreographed it: “GET A LIFE!” I could not have said it better myself. Speaking as a recovering workaholic, I know first hand that when all you do is work, every little job related problem or disappointment looms larger than life. You end up like this man, thinking about your work in the grocery store because you have nothing else to fill your thoughts.

By the way, I did not the man’s name down. The group was quite generous in helping me engage him in a discussion of possibilities for broadening the scope of his life beyond work. The goal is to not have all of your “emotional eggs in one basket.”

In fact research has shown that people who have balanced lives—family, career, hobbies, friends—fare better, because any time one area is not going well, you can look to another area to bolster your confidence, self esteem and sense of well-being.

So, if you’re experiencing negativity at work—or elsewhere—don’t be contaminated by it. Instead, remember to ask yourself the 3 P questions, counteract the negativity with positive experiences and get a life!