Free Coaching Lesson

Acknowledging and Embracing Your Fears

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination.
- Marianne Williamson

Fear. So often, it holds us back from achieving our true potential. We like to make a display of bravado and bring forth a plethora of excuses – money, commitments, and so on. But deep down, behind many of our excuses lies fear.

Fear can paralyze us. It can strike when we least expect it. Just recently, I was due to give a speech about, of all things, learning to move beyond our fears. That morning I realized I was afraid of giving the speech! I was trying to convince myself that I was not prepared, that I should cancel, perhaps I had a headache coming on. Fortunately I was able to recognize the feelings of fear and take action to move past them so that I could deliver a successful and effective speech. Had I not dealt with the fear, I might have been tempted to make my excuses and cancel the speech. Then, the next time I was invited to talk to a group, the memory of what happened and my reaction would have resurfaced, allowing the fear to grow even more.

Fear in itself is not bad. It can be a powerful catalyst that propels us ahead to create the change we want in our lives. Alternatively, it can be the emotion that prevents us from doing anything, causing us to become stagnant.

So how do we ensure that we don’t lose ourselves to fear? (Fear in the context of this lesson does not refer to full-fledged phobias that require psychiatric help, but rather to common anxiety and nervousness.)

The key is to recognize your fear. Learn to recognize its symptoms. Sounds simple? It is not always so. Fear, like any other emotion, can manifest very differently from one person to another. For example, when I get nervous or afraid, I giggle. In confrontations, the angrier the other person gets, the more nervous I become and the more I giggle. You can see how this could lead to misunderstandings with others who mistake my fear for mockery. Someone else might experience fear by withdrawing into herself. Another might display anger, hyperactivity, nausea… the list is endless. Until we recognize how our own fear manifests, we cannot learn to embrace it.

That’s right. I said we need to embrace our fears. Remember that fear is not bad. It is only when we allow fear to control us that it becomes negative. We should also remember that a certain amount of fear is actually good. I would be more concerned about someone who claimed to never feel fear. No fear suggests an unhealthy disengagement from the world.

Since we are learning to embrace our fears, it is extra important that we not view fear as a negative. There is nothing wrong in admitting that we are afraid. In so doing, we open ourselves up to the possibility of healing and of finding support from those around us.

Once you both recognize and embrace your fear, you can deal with it. When you do, the fear will lessen. As the fear dissipates, you will feel more positive about yourself and pleased that you have conquered it. Energy feeds upon itself. Fear can breed negativity, but one positive step forward can lead to another. You can stay rooted in your fear, or you can try the action steps outlined below and allow yourself to explore uncharted possibilities. In the words of Rosanne Cash, “The key to change… is to let go of fear.”

ACTION STEPS:

1. Make a list of five times in your life when you have felt afraid or nervous. Try to remember the cause of the fear and how you felt at the time. Jot down any physical and emotional symptoms. Look back over your list. Do you see any commonalities? Do you notice the same symptoms each time, or do the symptoms vary according to the type of problem? It is important to learn this about yourself so that you can teach yourself to spot fear when it first comes calling.

2. Once you have learned to recognize your own symptoms, spend a couple of weeks paying close attention to the reactions of those around you. Notice your work colleague’s sweaty palms as she or he gives a presentation, or your best friend’s stomach pains before a family get-together. Try to maintain your newfound awareness even after you have completed this exercise.

3. Every time you feel afraid, remind yourself that fear is ok. If you beat yourself up each time you feel afraid or nervous, you won’t be able to move on. Try telling yourself, “OK, I’m kind of nervous right now. I’m afraid that… (fill in the blank). That’s okay. It’s good that I know this. Now I can deal with it.”