Acknowledging
and Embracing Your Fears
Coach:
Fiona Young-Brown
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond imagination.
- Marianne Williamson
Fear. So
often, it holds us back from achieving our true potential.
We like to make a display of bravado and bring forth
a plethora of excuses – money, commitments,
and so on. But deep down, behind many of our excuses
lies fear.
Fear can
paralyze us. It can strike when we least expect it.
Just recently, I was due to give a speech about, of
all things, learning to move beyond our fears. That
morning I realized I was afraid of giving the speech!
I was trying to convince myself that I was not prepared,
that I should cancel, perhaps I had a headache coming
on. Fortunately I was able to recognize the feelings
of fear and take action to move past them so that
I could deliver a successful and effective speech.
Had I not dealt with the fear, I might have been tempted
to make my excuses and cancel the speech. Then, the
next time I was invited to talk to a group, the memory
of what happened and my reaction would have resurfaced,
allowing the fear to grow even more.
Fear in
itself is not bad. It can be a powerful catalyst that
propels us ahead to create the change we want in our
lives. Alternatively, it can be the emotion that prevents
us from doing anything, causing us to become stagnant.
So how
do we ensure that we don’t lose ourselves to
fear? (Fear in the context of this lesson does not
refer to full-fledged phobias that require psychiatric
help, but rather to common anxiety and nervousness.)
The key
is to recognize your fear. Learn to recognize its
symptoms. Sounds simple? It is not always so. Fear,
like any other emotion, can manifest very differently
from one person to another. For example, when I get
nervous or afraid, I giggle. In confrontations, the
angrier the other person gets, the more nervous I
become and the more I giggle. You can see how this
could lead to misunderstandings with others who mistake
my fear for mockery. Someone else might experience
fear by withdrawing into herself. Another might display
anger, hyperactivity, nausea… the list is endless.
Until we recognize how our own fear manifests, we
cannot learn to embrace it.
That’s
right. I said we need to embrace our fears. Remember
that fear is not bad. It is only when we allow fear
to control us that it becomes negative. We should
also remember that a certain amount of fear is actually
good. I would be more concerned about someone who
claimed to never feel fear. No fear suggests an unhealthy
disengagement from the world.
Since we
are learning to embrace our fears, it is extra important
that we not view fear as a negative. There is nothing
wrong in admitting that we are afraid. In so doing,
we open ourselves up to the possibility of healing
and of finding support from those around us.
Once you
both recognize and embrace your fear, you can deal
with it. When you do, the fear will lessen. As the
fear dissipates, you will feel more positive about
yourself and pleased that you have conquered it. Energy
feeds upon itself. Fear can breed negativity, but
one positive step forward can lead to another. You
can stay rooted in your fear, or you can try the action
steps outlined below and allow yourself to explore
uncharted possibilities. In the words of Rosanne Cash,
“The key to change… is to let go of fear.”
ACTION
STEPS:
1. Make
a list of five times in your life when you have felt
afraid or nervous. Try to remember the cause of the
fear and how you felt at the time. Jot down any physical
and emotional symptoms. Look back over your list.
Do you see any commonalities? Do you notice the same
symptoms each time, or do the symptoms vary according
to the type of problem? It is important to learn this
about yourself so that you can teach yourself to spot
fear when it first comes calling.
2. Once
you have learned to recognize your own symptoms, spend
a couple of weeks paying close attention to the reactions
of those around you. Notice your work colleague’s
sweaty palms as she or he gives a presentation, or
your best friend’s stomach pains before a family
get-together. Try to maintain your newfound awareness
even after you have completed this exercise.
3.
Every time you feel afraid, remind yourself that fear
is ok. If you beat yourself up each time you feel
afraid or nervous, you won’t be able to move
on. Try telling yourself, “OK, I’m kind
of nervous right now. I’m afraid that…
(fill in the blank). That’s okay. It’s
good that I know this. Now I can deal with it.”