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We
can look at the Panama Canal as an analogy for effective
listening skills. Massive gates hold back the higher water
from the next gate with a lower water level. The pressure
builds up and when the gate is opened, the flow is in
one direction. We can compare this scene to the state
of mind of an individual suffering from deep emotional
wounds, or involved in a serious interpersonal conflict.
If she’s holding in her emotions, she needs a release.
At this point, she’s unlikely to think clearly about
the challenge or to be receptive to input from another.
Listening
First Aid
The role of the listener is to allow such an individual
to open the gates. When she does, the water gushes out.
During this venting process, there’s still too much
pressure for a person to consider other perspectives.
Only when the water level has leveled off between the
two compartments, does the water begin to flow evenly
back and forth. The role of the listener is to help empty
the large reservoirs of emotion, anger, stress, frustration
and other negative feelings until the individual can see
more clearly. Not until then can a party consider the
needs of the other. We can think of it as listening first
aid.
The
process of listening so others will talk is called empathic
listening. Empathy, according to some dictionary definitions,
means to put oneself in a position to understand another
person. Certainly, this is an aspect of empathy. We prefer
to define empathy, however, as it is often used in psychology:
the process of attending to another so the individual
feels heard in a non-judgmental way. Empathic listening
requires that we accompany a person in her moment of sadness,
anguish, self-discovery, challenge (or even great joy!).
When an individual feels understood, an enormous emotional
burden is lifted; stress and defensiveness are reduced;
and clarity increases.
You
Can Learn To Be An Empathic Listener
We spend a large part of our waking hours conversing and
listening. When two friends or colleagues have an engaging
conversation, they’ll often compete to speak and
share ideas. Certainly, listening skills play an important
role in stimulating exchanges. When it comes to empathic
listening, we do not vie to be heard, nor do we take turns
speaking. Rather, we are there to motivate and cheer the
other person on.
Empathic
listening skills require a different subset of proficiencies
than conversing. It is an acquired skill. Many individuals,
at first, find the process somewhat uncomfortable. Furthermore,
people are often surprised at the exertion required to
become a competent listener. Once the skill is attained,
there is nothing automatic about it. In order to truly
listen, we must set aside sufficient time to do so. Perhaps
the root of the challenge lies here. People frequently
loose patience when listening to another’s problem.
Empathic listening is incompatible with being in a hurry,
or with the fast paced world around us. Such careful listening
requires that we—at least for the moment—place
time on slow motion and suspend our own thoughts and needs.
Clearly, there are no shortcuts to empathic listening.
There
are many ways we discount the needs of others, even when
we think we are being good listeners. For instance, we
may attempt to share our own story of loss, disappointment,
or of success, before the individual has had the opportunity
to be heard in his story. We may feel that sharing our
own story is proof that we are listening, but instead,
the other person feels we have stolen the show. This is
not to say that there is no room to share our story with
others, but rather, we should hear them out first. Some
persons confuse empathic listening with being silent.
First attempts to listen empathically are often betrayed
by facial and body language that say “be quiet so
I can give you advice.” Have you ever tried to speak
to someone who is silent and gives no indication of what
he is thinking? We do not know if the person has lost
interest or is judging us.
When
people have deep sentiments to share, rarely do they expose
their vulnerability by getting to the point right away.
When someone says, “I’m worried because…”
and another responds, “Don’t worry so much,”
the worried person does not cease to be concerned. Rather,
it becomes clear that the apprehension cannot be safely
shared with this individual. Likewise, when a person proceeds
to give a suggestion before understanding the situation,
individuals will frequently pretend to go along with the
proposal simply to get rid of the problem solver. There’s
a natural tendency to move from listening, to diagnosing,
and then to prescribing. Rarely do people reverse the
process and return to listening after entering the diagnostic
phase.
Show
That You’re Listening
A listener is considered empathic not only because she
listens, but also because she makes it clear she is listening.
A good listener has sufficient confidence in herself to
be able to listen to others without fear. The listener:
- Motivates
the other to speak without feeling judged.
- Does
not use pauses as an excuse to interrupt.
- Permits
the speaker to direct the conversation.
Through
this process the individual—if we earn her confidence—begins
to speak more, to control the direction of the topic,
to increase self understanding (by first reviewing that
which is known and later by digging deeper), to consider
possible options, and often, by choosing a possible outcome.
There are many ways we can signal an interest in listening.
One of the most typical is to simply say, “Tell
me more.” We could also say something like, “How
interesting!” or simply, “Interesting.”
What is important in all this is that we are not stuck
with one monotonous and irritating technique, whether
it is body language or repeating a key word used by the
speaker, or any other specific technique. In fact, once
the person feels heard, the need to interrupt and let
them know we are listening diminishes.
Monitor
Your Role In The Conversation
Part of being a good listener requires consciously fighting
to keep an open mind and avoiding preconceived conclusions.
To monitor your role, you should ask yourself:
Am I ...
- Allowing
the person with the problem to do most of the talking?
- Avoiding
premature conclusions based on my life experiences?
- Helping
the individual to better understand himself?
- Permitting
the person to retain ownership of the challenge?
- Showing
the party that we are listening without judging?
You
can see how improving your listening skills will improve
your relationships. Fortunately, this skill can be learned.
So it’s time to get out there and start using these
techniques!
©
2006 University of California in cooperation with WomensMedia.
This article was adapted especially for WomensMedia and
cannot be reproduced without the written permission of
WomensMedia.
Gregorio
Billikopf, University of California.
Readers
who are interested in the full-length article, go to listening
skills or write the author at gebillikopf@ucdavis.edu.
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