Have
you ever noticed the surge of energy that usually
accompanies first-time pursuits? Sometimes it's pure
excitement, anticipation of the good feeling you know
you're going to have after you've done it. Sometimes
it's nervousness, usually because you don't know exactly
how you're going to feel once it's done, but the potential
good feeling seems more likely than the potential
bad feeling. And sometimes it's good old-fashioned
fear, anticipation that the outcome of what you want
to do will hurt you in some way, either physically
or emotionally.
DISTINGUISH
POSITIVE FROM NEGATIVE FEAR
Excitement and nervousness could be considered beneficial
(or neutral), in that they don't stop us from doing
what we want to do. Fear, on the other hand, can be
positive or negative. It's positive when it stops
us from doing something stupid or potentially harmful.
(I should point out that habitual risk-takers might
approach those same events with excitement. This is
probably a better way to approach life, as long as
common sense is involved.)
"Negative"
fear, however, usually just stops us from doing what
we want to do, what makes sense for us to do, what
takes us closer to our goals. In this case, we're
usually afraid of not getting what we want or of looking
silly, stupid or inadequate while doing it. The longer
we give in to this fear, the stronger it becomes,
the harder it is to do the new thing, and the further
away from our goals we get.
The
only thing gained by allowing fear to stop us is a
GUARANTEE that we won't get what we want! This is
probably obvious to you, but I needed to have it pointed
out to me, so maybe it helps to state it here.
DON’T
GIVE YOURSELF PERMISSION NOT TO ACT
When the fear is really strong, we sometimes look
for deep, unconscious motivation for it. This trap
is particularly paralyzing. We’ve all experienced
times when our fear WAS rooted deep in our subconscious
from events early in our lives. Very often, that type
of fear does need some awareness or healing before
we can move past it. The trap is that every time we
feel a fear that can’t be easily put aside, we decide
it's deep and needs specific work. This shifts our
focus away from the action we want to take and toward
the fear itself. We start thinking about the fear,
what's causing it, and how we can get over it, giving
ourselves permission NOT TO ACT!
If
it's truly not the right time for something to happen,
then in my experience, it usually doesn't. But we
shouldn't underestimate the power of not wanting to
look silly or inadequate. The fear that this might
happen often makes us delay long past the right time
to take action. How often have you finally done something
you'd been putting off and then asked yourself, "Why
in the world did I wait so long to do this?"
If you can think of many examples, then you've got
a classic case of "Fear of Firsts!"
Gaining
awareness that your fear is related to the unfamiliarity
of the situation may go a long way in allowing you
to face it squarely and do the thing you're putting
off. Here are some additional suggestions to help
move you through the fear:
TAKE
A DEEP BREATH
Breathe slowly and become aware of your breathing.
As you focus on your breathing, you will notice that
you automatically begin breathing more slowly and
deeply. This allows you to get to that "centered"
space, the space where you can view the situation
objectively, where you know what you are capable of,
and where you can again see the potential in what
you want to do. Focusing on your breathing often can
move you from fear to nervousness and then to excitement
about the event in a matter of moments.
FOCUS
ON OTHERS
If others are involved, shift the focus from you to
them. We sometimes worry so much about what the other
person is thinking about us that we miss the opportunity
to identify what others need and how we can help them
achieve it. A dear friend shared a story of her early
days in real estate and how her fear of what the clients
were thinking jeopardized her ability to sell. It
wasn't until she started focusing on the clients,
and how she could help them through this stressful
time, that she was able to turn the business around
and enjoy success. Tuning in to other people puts
a whole new slant on things, allowing our fears to
recede long enough for us to realize there's nothing
to be scared of!
BLOW
UP YOUR FEAR
This is an effective exercise that you can do in just
a few minutes. Close your eyes and breathe slowly.
Visualize yourself in a calm, peaceful place. Allow
yourself to think of the situation you're avoiding
until you can firmly feel the fear around it. "See"
yourself identifying the place inside you where the
fear is (usually the stomach). Put both hands over
this area and pull out the fear. Hold the fear in
your hands and look at it for a moment. Then notice
that there is a brown cardboard box, just large enough
to hold the fear, on the ground in front of you. Place
the fear in the box and close it. Keep your eyes on
the box and see it get larger. As you stand and watch
the box (breathing slowly all the time), see it grow
and grow. See it become as large as you, as large
as the room, as large as the house, as large as the
town, as large as the country, as large as the world
--- until it grows so large it just explodes like
a balloon. Once it's gone, take a moment to notice
how you feel without the fear. Take a few more deep
breaths and open your eyes. If the fear has really
taken hold, you may need to do this a few times. Each
time you do, you'll notice that the box explodes at
a smaller and smaller size.
Louise
Morganti Kaelin is a Life Success Coach who partners
with individuals who are READY (to live their best
life), WILLING (to explore all options) and ABLE (to
accept total support. Visit her website at http://www.touchpointcoaching.com.
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