One
of the biggest obstacles to productive conflict resolution
is that people often don't say what they mean, or what
they are truly feeling. Here's a typical example:
"You look upset, honey. What's wrong?"
"Nothing, I'm just tired."
"Are you still angry at me for being late this
afternoon?"
Silence.
"I said I was sorry."
"I don't want to talk about it. It's history, okay?"
Refusing
to acknowledge the existence of a conflict doesn't make
the conflict go away. Some people have a habit of gunnysacking
irritations—hiding their immediate feelings while
saving up a big pile of grievances to dump on the other
person when they least expect it. It's a lot easier
to solve one or two problems at a time than to try to
wade through a month's, six month's or two year's worth.
Take responsibility for the accuracy of your own communication,
and encourage those you live, play and work with to
do the same.
Here
are the last two conflict strategies in this series:
Integrating
Integrating focuses on gathering and organizing information;
at the same time, it encourages creative thinking and
welcomes diverse perspectives. Suppose, for example,
that the conflict concerns a major financial outlay.
You don't like the direction things are going, but lack
all the facts and figures. The other person doesn't
have complete information either, but sees no reason
to change course. Instead of continuing to argue, you
agree to integrate—to pool all of the information
you can get your hands on, put your differences on the
table and examine them along with any data that might
contribute to a resolution. Integrating turns you and
your opponent into allies on a mission to master the
complexities of the issue and thereby develop alternative
solutions. Integrating is often a prelude to collaboration
and problem solving.
What
to say:
Appeal to your opponent's capacity for thinking and
reasoning by saying something like: Let's sort out the
tangles and look at what's really going on.—or—We
don't have enough facts to be arguing about solutions.
Let's put our energy into learning all we can about
this.
Cautions:
Integrating
is not an effective strategy when one person lacks commitment
or when a deadline is looming. Integrating takes time
and energy.
If
the emotional content of the conflict is extremely high,
integrating may not work. When reason is overshadowed
by anger, frustration or fear, many people don't give
a fig about the facts, they just want to fight. Similarly,
being asked to go "gather all the facts" may
seem like a cold, uncaring response when what the other
person wants to do first is unload strong feelings.
Feelings should never be completely ignored.
When
gathering and sharing information, be careful not to
leave anyone out. An excluded person may feel offended
and create problems later.
Collaboration
Collaborating means working together to resolve the
conflict, and necessitates information gathering as
well as some form of problem solving. In order to collaborate,
you and your opponent must be able and willing to contribute
time, energy and resources to finding and implementing
a solution. You must also trust each other to a degree.
Trust grows as you cooperate in finding a solution to
the problem. A typical problem-solving process includes
these steps:
1.
Accurately define the conflict, including all parts.
2. Gather information (Integration), enlarging the data
pool for solutions.
3. When as much is known about the issue as can be reasonably
expected, start generating alternatives.
4. Evaluate the alternatives. Predict the impact and
consequences of each.
5. Get consensus on the best alternative (or combination
of alternatives).
6. Implement
7. Evaluate. Give the solution a reasonable trial. If
all or part of the conflict remains unresolved, return
to step 5. If you encounter information gaps, return
to step 2.
What
to say:
Verbalize
confidence in your ability to work things out with the
other person. For example, say: Both of us deserve to
feel good about what happens. That means we're going
to have to work side by side to find the best solution.—or—Together,
we can't fail to resolve this. We've got the resources
and we're both committed to finding a solution.
Cautions:
Complex
issues usually have several parts. When you develop
a solution, be sure that the chosen alternative (or
combination of alternatives) addresses all parts of
the conflict. If it doesn't, the conflict will not be
completely resolved.
