This
Seminar examines two more conflict strategies, Postponing
and Compromise. But first, an observation about the
structure of conflict that might shed some light on
recurring battles in your life:
All
conflicts have two major components.
One is the content of the conflict—the specific
issue being argued. The other part has to do with the
relationship between you and the other person. Very
often it's the relationship component of a conflict
that you are attempting to accelerate when you pick
a fight over a relatively minor content issue. For example,
let's say you are in a dispute with the manager of another
department over the deadline for a report. That's the
content part of the conflict. The underlying struggle
has to do with which of you gets to make the decision,
so the conflict is being used to define how you relate
to each other. Here's another example: You and your
mate are arguing about how to discipline your child.
One of you wants a lengthy restriction of privileges,
the other prefers a serious discussion of the offense
followed by some extra chores. That's the content. The
relationship part of the conflict revolves around whose
discipline decisions take precedence. Settling the content
issue in either one of these examples ought to be fairly
easy. However, if unresolved, the relationship component
of the conflict merely rests on "idle" until
fueled by a new issue.
Now
for the conflict strategies:
Postponing
Postponing is putting off until tomorrow what neither
you nor the other person is prepared to deal with today.
It differs from avoiding (which we examined in a previous
Seminar) in that postponing is a low-level, handshake
type of preliminary agreement. The ability to jointly
agree to put off dealing with a conflict until you have
cooled off, are more rested, or have your facts straight
requires control and skill. Postponement works best
when two conditions are present: First, be sure to acknowledge
the emotional content of the conflict even while deferring
other issues to a later time. "I can see you're
upset, however . . ." Second, when you postpone
dealing with a conflict, do so openly and in collaboration
with the other person. Postponing is a strategy, not
an escape hatch, so before going your separate ways,
establish the time and place of your next contact.
What
to Say:
Postponing requires agreement, so say something like:
I'm simply not up to this right now, are you? Can we
meet tomorrow?—or—I think we're both too
upset to be effective. Let's talk on Friday, after we've
had a few days to calm down.
Cautions:
Postponement
does not work well if the other person thinks he's being
put off, never to return to the issue. Vague statements
such as, "we'll have to work on this later,"
or "let's all try harder to get along," are
give-aways that the person making the statement has
no intention of voluntarily coming back to the conflict
issue. When you are in a conflict and hear statements
like these coming from the other person, strongly reaffirm
your commitment to resolving the conflict and insist
on setting a date and time for doing so.
Don't
postpone a conflict when everyone demonstrates the energy
and desire to resolve it immediately. If you postpone
(or let the other person postpone) without good reason,
you run the risk of wasting a valuable resource—emotional
investment.
Compromise
This is a middle-of-the-road strategy that gets everyone
talking about the issues and moves you closer to each
other and to a resolution. In compromise, each person
has something to give and something to take. Compromise
is most effective when issues are complex and power
balanced. Compromise can be chosen when other methods
have failed and when both you and your opponent are
looking for middle ground, willing to exchange concessions.
It almost always means giving up something in order
to attain part of what you want. Negotiation and bargaining
are complementary skills.
What
to Say:
Set the negotiating stage by saying something like:
Obviously, we have different opinions. What is the bottom
line for you?—or—We're each going to have
to give a little in order settle this issue. Let's see
what we can come up with.
Cautions:
Compromise
works best when both you and the other person are "right,"
but simply have different values or opinions. It doesn't
work well at all when one side is clearly wrong. You
wouldn't advise an employee or colleague to compromise
with sexual harrassment.
Before
entering into a compromise, be clear in your own mind
concerning which of your needs and wants are negotiable
and which are not.
For
the next article in this series, take a look at Conflict
Management using the strategies of Integrating and
Collaborating.
