The previous article (and the first in this series) distinguished between conflict styles and conflict strategies. A conflict style is a reflexive, habitual way of responding to conflict, whereas a strategy is an action (or series of actions) consciously chosen for its ability to achieve a desired result.

Almost everyone has a favorite conflict style. Some people relish a good fight while others go to great lengths to avoid even minor disagreements. Some clam up and refuse to participate, while others are almost always willing to talk and negotiate. The law of averages guarantees that any style will occasionally prove effective. For example, if your style is to dominate in conflict—push your agenda, win at all costs—once in awhile it will work perfectly. The other person will let you have your way with no hard feelings, and may even be relieved. The rest of the time, unfortunately, dominating will aggravate the situation, accelerate the conflict, and further antagonize the other person.

Instead of being a slave to style, try to increase your repertoire of conflict behaviors. Give yourself some choices. This series will examine a total of ten conflict strategies. Here are the first three:

Abandoning
Abandoning a conflict means, literally or figuratively, walking away from it. Some conflicts amount to pointless jousting with few or no consequences, good or bad. They are simply not worth your time and energy. Moreover, when you are terribly outnumbered, feel physically threatened, or find yourself in the middle of someone else's conflict and for personal, professional or ethical reasons don't wish to participate, then abandoning is probably the best choice.

What to Say:
No need to make excuses or speeches. Try saying something like this: That's it for me, Bill—arguing isn't on my to-do list for today.—or—Hey, this isn't worth a fight—let's just forget it.

Cautions:

• Abandoning is a permanent solution (unlike avoiding or postponing, which are temporary). Try to keep it that way. Don't say you are walking away from the conflict and then attempt to reassert yourself later through covert attempts to influence the decision or situation.

• Don't abandon a conflict in the hopes that the other person will come running after you, begging or provoking you to return. If you make the decision to leave, be willing to accept the consequences of your action.

• Don't attempt to abandon serious conflicts. They will not abandon you.

Avoiding
Avoidance is one of the most common strategies for coping with conflict or potential conflict. Avoiding a conflict doesn't mean you're a coward— unless, or course, you do it all the time. Avoiding is a legitimate strategy when you need time to cool off, when you stand to gain nothing from confronting a situation, when power is drastically unequal, when you want to put distance between yourself and the other person, or when you need time to prepare. Avoidance buys time. Use the time wisely once you have it. For example, if you postpone a meeting, immediately get to work, prepare yourself, and reschedule.

If you avoid a confrontation over a significant issue, make an alternative plan for addressing the issue and follow through. For example, you might decide to avoid a conflict with someone you've just met because you don't want to jeopardize a brand new relationship. That's fine, but if the issue is important it will come back to haunt you, so don't be caught unawares.

What to Say:
Don't simply disappear. Acknowledge that a conflict exists and openly recognize the other person's feelings before withdrawing. For example, you might say: I can see you're really concerned about this, but unfortunately I have another obligation right now. Let's talk tomorrow.—or—I need to look at all the facts. Can I get back to you this afternoon?

Cautions:

• On the negative side, by avoiding you may be perceived as "passing the buck" or sidestepping the issue. Be aware of this possibility, particularly if you tend to avoid frequently.

• If you notice the other person is avoiding, it might be a clue that she is uncertain and needs time to investigate the situation. However, if the other person continues to avoid, here are some ways to bring her back to the table:

1. Communicate your hopes for resolving the conflict. Try to overcome the person's fear or negativity by reassuring her that a win-win resolution is possible.

2. Appeal to the avoider's sense of honesty. For example, say, "We really need to talk about this, Sue. What's the worst thing that could happen?"

3. Most conflicts have several parts. Break the conflict down and deal with one part at a time. You'll soon find out which parts the other person is avoiding.

Dominating
Dominating is an effective strategy when a quick decision is needed or when the issue is relatively unimportant -- it gets things done. Dominating is usually power-oriented and delivered with force. The ability to take control can actually be quite helpful when the other person lacks knowledge or expertise, and your opponent may be relieved that you can offer a solution. Don't try to dominate too often, however. Dominating is only effective as long as you have "right and might" on your side.

What to Say:
This strategy shouldn't be delivered tentatively or timidly. Be assertive. For example, say: I understand your concerns. Now listen carefully to my assessment—I know what I'm talking about.—or—There's too much going on right now. Just do what I've suggested, and everything will work out fine.

Caution:
The person who sets the rules and/or agenda gains power in a conflict. Pay meets his needs more than yours. When you hear the message, "We're going to talk about what I want to talk about," you are facing a person who intends to dominate the conflict by eliminating certain issues at the starting gate. Don't agree to it. Insist that your concerns be addressed, too.

See WomensMedia Conflict Management Series: