We live with the unsettling possibility of conflict daily. We enter into conflicts reluctantly, cautiously, angrily, nervously, confidently—and emerge from them battered, exhausted, sad, satisfied, triumphant. And still many of us underestimate or overlook the merits of conflict—the opportunity conflict offers every time it occurs.

So let's start this discussion with two premises: First, conflict is normal. We may not like it, but it's part of life, and that's not going to change. Second, conflict isn't necessarily something to be avoided; in fact, it can prove highly productive. Conflict signals the presence of diverse points of view, which in struggle or reconciliation can spark creativity, nourish growth, jump-start productivity, and strengthen relationships. A life without conflict is probably less peaceful than bland.

Most of us experience abundant opportunities for conflict. From the breakfast table to the bedroom, from the water cooler to the conference room, a hundred little things each day can lead to discord, and for a variety of reasons, most of which are natural and unavoidable.

Habits and Beliefs
We bring to our relationships an accumulation of everything we've ever learned —all of our habits, and all the opinions and beliefs we've developed about ourselves, other people, politics, religion, lifestyle, acceptable behavior, and the "right" way to do everything from dress ourselves in the morning to shape the psyches of our children for life. All this diversity, including racial, cultural and gender differences, means we're going to nudge, bump and crash into each other occasionally.

Limited Resources, Turf Wars and Change
If there's one cookie and two kids want it, if funds are finite and programs to deplete them abound, if there's only one promotion and three people think they've earned it—conflict! Ditto for violating each other's property, possessions, reputation or space. And when someone says we have to change, or starts making changes around us without our consent, we respond with everything from passive aggression to open resistance.

Reacting to Conflict
Most of us have conflict "styles"—one or two favorite ways of reacting in conflict situations. Or we may react differently to different people -- for example, acquiescing to our boss, withdrawing from our mate, reasoning with our child, and engaging in subterfuge against an office rival. For the most part, styles are conditioned responses, not conscious choices. They're learned early in life and reinforced every time they pay off by getting us off the hook, evoking sympathy, according a sense of control, etc. The point is, with a style we don't usually think to ourselves, "Okay, now I'm going to blow my stack to get attention and establish myself as a force to deal with in this conflict." We just react.

When Style Becomes Strategy (and vice-versa)
A strategy is a behavior (or series of behaviors) that is consciously chosen. Unlike a style (a rote reaction), a strategy has purpose. The very same behavior—for example, avoiding—can be either a strategy or a style, depending on whether we avoid because it's the best thing to do at the time or because avoiding is what we always do. When used unconsciously, even the most sophisticated conflict behaviors forfeit their status as strategies.

When dealing with an emotionally charged situation, an effective conflict manager will attempt to gain control of the situation so it can be dealt with rationally and objectively. Depending on the nature of the conflict, the stage the conflict is in, and whether the objective is to escalate, de-escalate, or idle the conflict, different strategies have varying degrees of utility. Selecting the most effective strategy is the science of conflict management; applying it skillfully is the art.

Getting Good at Conflict
When selecting a conflict strategy, keep in mind that your partner in conflict may also be acting strategically. As early as possible in a conflict, try to discern whether the other person is in control of his behavior and has some flexibility in the way he responds, or is merely reacting the way he always does in conflict situations. If he's yelling or threatening or putting you off because that's his style and he's stuck there, you may have to work a lot harder to reach a productive resolution but you will also have the advantage. If, on the other hand, you are dealing with a skillful partner, prepare to both lead and follow in what may be a very creative dance. When your partner avoids you or tries to dominate the situation, for example, try to figure out what he hopes to gain and how he thinks you'll react.

A good place to see expert conflict management in action is the courtroom. For many if not most attorneys (even outside of court) conflict is a way of life. The good ones rarely select a strategy without figuring out in advance a full range of possible responses from the opposing side. Even displays of emotion are calculated to produce specific results.

I'm not suggesting you start acting like an attorney (talk about creating conflict!) but, rather, that you view conflict as an opportunity, giving it the respect and conscious attention it deserves. Win-win resolutions are often possible, and getting to them can be stimulating and productive. Good conflict management can clear the air, improve relationships, and produce creative solutions to tough problems.

Ten Conflict Strategies
Here are ten strategies that can be used in conflict to bring about desired results. In the next article, we take a close look at the first three.

1. Abandoning
2. Avoiding
3. Dominating
4. Obliging
5. Getting help
6. Humor
7. Postponing
8. Compromise
9. Integrating
10 Collaboration/Problem solving

For the next article in this series, take a look at Conflict Management using the strategies of Abandoning, Avoiding, and Dominating.

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Dianne Schilling is a San Diego-based writer, editor and instructional designer who specializes in the development of educational publications and customized training programs for business and industry. She is a founding partner in womensmedia.com. Send e-mail to diannes@pacbell.net.