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Would
you like to know what to say — when you don't know
what to say? If so, you're in luck because this article
explains how you can think on your feet and communicate
more constructively with colleagues, customers, even kids.
What
is Tongue Fu!®, you ask? It's best defined by an incident
that happened while I was flying to New York for a media
tour. I needed to double-check a quote, so I pulled out
my copy of Tongue Fu!® from
my purse. A woman across the aisle from me glanced at
the title, grabbed the book out of my hands and pronounced,
"That looks interesting. Tell me what it's about!"
"Well,"
I answered, tongue planted firmly in cheek, "It's
how to handle difficult individuals — without becoming
one ourselves." She chuckled, and we went on to have
an enjoyable conversation.
These
tips are designed to help you respond pro-actively to
challenging individuals at that moment, instead of having
brain freeze and thinking of the perfect response. . .
on the way home. Read 'em and reap.
Tongue
Fu!® Tip #1.
When people complain, don't explain,
take the AAA Train. Explaining why something wasn't done
when it was supposed to be done makes people angrier because
they feel we're making excuses. Instead, Agree, Apologize,
Act. "You're right, Mrs. Smith, we were supposed
to send that brochure to you last week, and I'm sorry
you didn't receive it yet. If I could please have your
name and address again, I'll personally put that brochure
in an envelope and make sure it goes out today."
Voila. Complaint over!
Tongue
Fu!® Tip #2:
Has someone accused you of something you didn't
do?
Don't defend or deny it. If someone blindsides you with
an unfair allegation, "You women are so emotional!"
and you protest with, "We're not emotional!"
you've just proven their point. Instead, put the conversational
ball back in their court with, "What do you mean?"
Asking them to explain themselves will cause them to reveal
the real issue and you can address that instead of reacting
to their attack. Imagine an upset client claims, "You
don't care about your customers." A hurtful denial
of, "That's not true. We pride ourselves on our quality
service" would only serve to turn this into a "Yes
we do - No you don't" debate. Instead ask, "What
makes you think that?" The client may harrumph, "I've
left three messages and no one's called back." Aaahh,
now you know what's really bothering her and you can give
her the attention she wants and deserves.
Tongue
Fu!® Tip #3:
Stop disagreements with a hand gesture.
No, not that one! If people are arguing and you try to
talk over them, what will happen? They'll talk louder
and the voice of reason will get drowned out in the commotion.
Putting your hand up like a policeman will cause them
to pause for just a moment, which gives you a chance to
get your verbal foot in the door. Then say these magic
words, "We're here to find solutions, not fault."
Remind them that John F. Kennedy said, "Our task
is not to fix the blame for the past, it's to fix the
course for the future." If the conversation starts
deteriorating into a gripe session again, make a T with
your hands and call out, "Time out. Calling each
other names won't help. Instead, let's focus on how we
can keep this from happening again."
Tongue
Fu!® Tip #4:
Have to give bad news?
Don't use the apathetic words, "There's nothing I
can do." A front desk manager at a hotel in Hawaii
asked, "What can we say when people grumble about
the rain? There's nothing we can do about the weather.
We're not Mother Nature." I told her, "The words,
'There's nothing I can do' come across as a verbal dead-end.
People will feel you're brushing them off, and they'll
get more vehement in an effort to make you care. Use
the words, 'I wish,' 'I hope,' or 'There's something'
to let them know you're at least trying to help
them. Say, 'I wish I could bring out the sunshine for
you. I know you were looking forward to some beach time'
or 'I hope it clears up soon. In case it doesn't, there's
something I can suggest. Here's a list of rainy-day activities
so at least you can make the most of your visit even if
the sun doesn't cooperate.'" In the real world, we
can't always give people what they want. We can at least
give them our concern and viable options.
Tongue
Fu!® Tip #5:
Has someone made a mistake?
If something's gone wrong and we tell people what they
should have done, they will resent us - even if what we're
saying is right. Why? People can't undo the past. If they're
being reprimanded for something they can't change, they'll
channel their feeling of helplessness or guilt into antagonism
towards us. My mom used to tell me, "We can't motivate
people to do better by making them feel bad." Telling
people what they "should" have done makes them
feel bad and doesn't teach them how to do it better. From
now on when people make a mistake, coach what happened
with the words "next time" or "in
the future" instead of criticizing what
happened with the word "should." Now, you're
shaping their behavior instead of shaming it, and they're
learning instead of losing face.
Tongue
Fu!® Tip #6:
Develop a repertoire of Fun Fu! remarks.
Erma Bombeck (bless her soul) said, "If we can laugh
at it, we can live with it." Are you sensitive about
something? Perhaps you've put on a few pounds. You have
a choice. You can be hyper-sensitive about this and give
people the power to embarrass you, or you can come up
with clever, non-combative comebacks and keep your wit(s)
about you. Want an example? I ran into a very tall man
in an airport. The people in front of me were laughing
and pointing at him. I thought, "How rude!"
until he got closer and I saw his t-shirt which said,
"No, I'm not a basketball player!" The back
of his shirt said, "Are you a jockey?" This
man told me he used to dread going out of the house because
everyone made smart-aleck remarks. He finally decided
if he couldn't beat 'em, he might as well join 'em. "This
is nothing," he said with a smile, "I have a
drawer full of these shirts at home. My favorite says
'I'm 6'13" and the weather up here's fine.' Ever
since I started wearing these shirts," he added,
"I've had fun with my height instead of being frustrated
by my height." Coming up with just the right remarks
can help you lighten up instead of tighten up.
Tongue
Fu!® Tip #7:
Turn "can't because" into "sure,
as soon as."
Imagine a staff member asks, "Can I have my paycheck
early? I'm going to Las Vegas this weekend" and you
answer, "No you can't have your paycheck because
it hasn't been approved by payroll." That's the truth,
however it's a tactless way of rejecting a request. The
words "can't because" are like a verbal door
slamming in people's face. Want good news? You can often
approve requests with the words, "Sure, as soon as"
or "Yes, right after." Re-word your reply to,
"Sure you can have your paycheck, as soon as it's
approved by payroll. Why don't we give them a call, explain
the circumstances and see if there's any way they can
speed things up." One manager said, "I can't
wait to use this idea at home. My kids see me as a 'big
meanie' because they're constantly asking for permission
and I'm always telling them 'no.' Next time they ask if
they can go outside and play with their friends, instead
of telling them, 'No you can't, because you haven't done
your homework,' I'm going to say, 'Sure you can, right
after you finish your homework.' Instead of seeing me
as the one who's keeping them from what they want, this
makes them responsible for getting what they want. It
changes the whole dynamic of our relationship."
Bravo.
That's the purpose of these Tongue Fu!®
tips. We can keep people from becoming difficult in the
first place — or at least not add fuel to their
verbal fire — by using responses that help instead
of hurt. By communicating diplomatically, people have
more incentive to respond in kind.
Sam
Horn, President of Sam Horn Consulting-Keynotes-Creative
since 1981 and the top-rated speaker at the 1996 and 1998
International Platform Association conventions, presents
corporate keynotes on how individuals and organizations
can communicate more cooperatively. Want more information
on her programs and products including Tongue Fu!®?
Visit www.SamHorn.com
or call 1-805-528-4351.
Order
Today!
Tongue
Fu!®
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