For years, people have denigrated small talk as phony and boring. However, my research shows otherwise. I surveyed 100 great conversationalists and found two stunning results.

The first result was that 75% of the respondents, people whom I considered to be great conversationalists, still thought of themselves as shy. Several of them admitted to working through their shyness, but they still said they felt uncomfortable around people. They could have fooled me—in fact, they did. They worked through it so well that I found them to be exemplary at conversation.

The second result was not surprising as much as it was confirming. Not one of these great chatters demeaned small talk. Every one of them saw it as a way of getting to know people, putting them at ease, and finding common ground.

Tips to kick-start conversing
Have you ever had a wonderful conversation with someone who had no interest in the little things that start, move, and expand our verbal exchanges? I think not. Only those people who aren’t good at small talk put it down. When these detractors say that small talk is boring or unimportant, maybe they’re really saying that they don’t care about you, the person they’re speaking with.

Starting with small talk, those things we have in common, leads to BIG Talk as we segue, pursue a tangent and LISTEN. Here are small-talk tips that I’ve gleaned over my years of writing about and speaking to clients about the art of conversation.

Really, it works
Everyone knows that networking and adding contacts build your business. Well, when you meet someone new, you can’t jump into “big” talk—what you are selling—right off the bat. You need to warm up with small talk and establish a rapport before you progress to big talk. BONUS TIP: Talk to people, not as prospects, but as potential colleagues and friends.

Join the party
So how do you initiate contact with someone so you can dazzle them with your conversation skills? In the Face to Face space, it’s especially challenging when you enter a room full of people clumped in groups. They say that “breaking up is hard to do,” but breaking in can be more difficult. However, being able to gracefully join a conversation in progress enhances your business and career.

Entrance 1. Beat the crowd. Arrive early, usually within 15 minutes of the event’s beginning. That way the room is not full of groups, and you can initiate a conversation with an individual without worrying about choosing a group to join.

Entrance 2. When you see many groups in a room, find the one with three or more people who look and sound like they are having a good time. Stand in the periphery and, when acknowledged, step in and respond with your already prepared introduction. Don’t worry—most people won’t leave you hanging in the periphery for long.

Once you’re established in a group, share it with other outsiders. When you see someone standing in the periphery, take a step back. Reset the circle. It's inclusive and appreciated. This action allows the person to join your group; this gracious gesture is not likely to be forgotten.

Parting is such sweet sorrow
Successfully joining or initiating a conversation is only half the battle. Making a graceful exit from one—especially a slow, painful conversation—can be equally difficult.

Exit 1. After an interesting conversation, interrupt yourself, indicate the conversation was pleasant and interesting, and say something brief that that summarizes your discussion: “Wow. I never knew first-time buyers could be such a profitable niche.” Offer your hand, which everyone recognizes as a signal that the end of your encounter has arrived. I have a colleague who smiles and says, “I could monopolize your time but you must want to meet others.” It works for her. Ask for a card if appropriate, and offer one of yours. Walk a quarter of the room away to another individual or group, so your conversation partner won’t think you just turned your back.

Exit 2. When you’re ready to abandon a conversation that’s belabored, be polite. You never know when a rude remark or gesture will haunt you in the future. Offer your hand and in the most upbeat voice you can muster say, “I hope you enjoy the rest of the [event].” Again, walk at least a quarter of the room away from the person before initiating contact with someone else. It’s important to mask the fact that you couldn’t wait to get away from someone because you never know who will appear across a closing table or be a key contact down the road.

Exit 3. Another technique is the “bring-along.” Instead of excusing yourself, offer to introduce your new contact to others. An introduction spoken with respect, interest, and energy is infectious.

Meeting and conversing with new people can be enjoyable and is a great way to expand your business. Don’t be nervous. Use small talk and smooth entrances and exits to increase your contact base in a smart and memorable way.

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©RoAne 2008. All rights reserved. Susan RoAne, an in-demand keynote speaker, is the author of Face To Face: How To Reclaim the Personal Touch in a Digital World. October, 2008. She is The Mingling Maven® who teaches people how to make small talk that yields big rewards. To have Susan speak at your next meeting, contact her at 415/461-3915 or susan@susanroane.com.

 

Face to Face:
How to Reclaim the Personal Touch
in a Digital World

by Susan RoAne