John Gray: Advice for Men

John Gray, Ph.D. is the best-selling relationship author of all time. His phenomenal best-selling book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (HarperCollins 1992) has sold more than 15 million copies and is a best-seller in 40 different languages throughout the world. Dr. Gray's latest book, How to Get What You Want at Work (Quill 2003), offers a practical guide for improving communication and getting results at work.

Use her name and give a personal greeting when arriving at the office. Don't ask a business question before the greeting.

Do it right away. When she makes a request that can be done in a few minutes, do it first. Even if it is not urgent or important, she will appreciate your treatment of her request.

Resist the temptation to solve her problems; instead try being more empathetic and ask what she is planning to do. Don't presume she is seeking your advice.

Don't look at your watch when a woman is talking. If you really need to, be very discreet. If you need to end the conversation, be up-front rather than give subtle messages. You could say, "Excuse me, I am late for an appointment. I'd like to finish this later."

Apologize or say "Excuse me." when you make a mistake.

Notice when you are talking more than she is. Practice listening longer and asking more questions before making a comment in response to her.

Support a balance of work and family time. Be flexible in scheduling so family emergencies can be handled.

When a woman talks, turn your body to face her and don't try doing anything else at the same time. Avoid looking up or around.

Offer to assist her whenever she is moving something heavy.

Notice when she seems stressed or overwhelmed and offer an empathetic comment like, "There is so much to do." or "What a day this is."

Give more compliments regarding her work.

Use open-ended questions. Instead of saying, "Did you finish that project?" say, "How are you doing with that project?"

When she puts herself down or minimizes her achievement, immediately build her up and give her credit for what she does.

Have occasional private meetings to give and receive feedback. Whether you are a manager, coworker, or employee make sure to ask, "How can I be more helpful?" and then try listening more, rather than explaining yourself. Give her time to get it out.

Include her in group conversations. Draw her out by asking her what she thinks or would like to suggest.

If you are late for an appointment, call to let her know.

Return messages as promptly as possible. Calling back makes a big impression on Venus (where women are from).

Improve the office. Recognize that women are often more sensitive to their working environment and do something to make it more pleasant. For example, bring fresh flowers to work.

In responding to her request, instead of saying "no problem," try saying "It's my pleasure." This personal touch implies caring and consideration.

Be sure to clean up. When doing a job, let her know you will clean up afterwards and then make sure you do.

When she is working through lunch, offer to pick up a salad or sandwich.

Invite her to have lunch with you or the group you hang out with.

Introductions. In formal settings when men are being introduced by their credentials and accomplishments, don't mention her charm or good looks. Stick to introducing her by her credentials and work achievements.

Your mistakes—Be light and self-deprecating about your own mistakes. Make sure your humor is not sexual in content or demeaning of her or others.

When a woman complains, don't interrupt. Before responding or explaining anything, rephrase what she is saying in a positive voice: "So you are saying that . . ." By doing this in a positive tone, she is assured that he is trustworthy and that she has been heard.

When you get a cup of coffee or a glass of water, offer to get one for her.

Don't disappear. When you are planning to leave, let her know. Women get a little uncomfortable when men just disappear.

Ask a woman what she still has to do. Women often feel relief just telling someone what they have to do. It helps them to organize their thoughts and it minimizes stress. You should refrain from telling her what she should do. If there is something that you could easily do to help, you can say so, but only after she is done talking.

Acknowledge her achievements in the presence of others. If she acknowledges you first, then you should in some way also acknowledge her.

Patience. Be flexible when a woman needs to take more time talking about something. Remember the bigger picture: if she feels heard and personally supported she will be more supportive of you.

Be polite when asking by using the phrase "Would you" or " Would you please," and always remember to say "Thank you."

Make sure to follow through when you say you are going to do something. After a meeting, send a memo listing the items you agreed to do.

Introduce her by name and title. In glowing terms, reveal her particular participation or contribution to the company or project.

In a group meeting, take time to point out or acknowledge the value of her contribution.

Notice when she comes into a room. Acknowledge her presence in some manner so she doesn't feel overlooked. If she is upset about something, ask her a question such as, "Is something wrong?" or "Are you upset about something?" You get an extra bonus point if you guess at the problem and say something like "Was that a tough meeting?"

When dividing up responsibilities for doing a task together, give her a chance to express her wishes. You could say, "Let's work this out together. I would like to do this, but what do you think?" or "I think this would be a good plan. How do you feel about it?"

Celebrate the completion of a long or important project. Women, and men, greatly appreciate special occasions to celebrate or recognize people and their contributions. Give awards, certificates, or presents.

Anticipate her needs and offer your assistance without her having to ask.

Confirm when you have completed something.

Don't assume that once is enough. Repeat these small gestures of support as often as possible.

John Gray, Ph.D. is the best-selling relationship author of all time. His phenomenal best-selling book Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (HarperCollins 1992) has sold more than 15 million copies and is a best-seller in 40 different languages throughout the world. Dr. Gray's latest book , How to Get What You Want at Work (Quill 2003), offers a practical guide for improving communication and getting results at work. For additional information, see www.MarsVenus .

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How to Get What You Want at Work