|
Have
you ever found yourself crying in your boss’ office
when you’re attempting to problem-solve, asking
for a raise, negotiating workload, or accepting a compliment?
You are not alone. Crying is a natural physiological response
to feelings that derive from events in our lives. Many
women cry easily and unexpectedly. Our socialization includes
greater latitude than boys to express emotions through
crying. In some ways, this freedom serves us well as grown
women. Crying can provide a built-in emotional release
valve—a catharsis. Having access to our feelings
can allow us to have empathy and understanding when needed,
which makes us better friends, family members and co-workers.
There is substantial research on “emotional intelligence”
saying this ability also makes us better, more effective
leaders.
However,
the workplace is one of those environments where most
tears are viewed as inappropriate and can have negative
or detrimental effects on performance reviews, promotions,
and executive presence. In other words, tears make us
look bad and lead to a personal undermining of our sense
of competence and confidence. As Lois Frankel notes in
her recently released book, Nice Girls Don’t
Get the Corner Office, most women know they shouldn’t
cry at work, but there are times when you can’t
help it.
This
said, we can begin to alter the crying response to many
situations at work by un-learning, re-learning or strengthening
our emotional and behavioral repertoire. Just as anger
management workshops assist individuals in learning different
and more appropriate responses to feelings of frustration,
disappointment and criticism, we can also learn other
ways to manage our feelings besides crying in the boss’
office.
Whether
you work in a “compassionate” organization,
such as health care, or a “competitive” environment,
such as finance or information technology, women are often
mistaken when thinking that a kind, considerate boss,
or a humanistic oriented organizational culture will accept
or tolerate tearful outbursts. Women and men in positions
of leadership are socialized to believe that crying equals
vulnerability, and that vulnerability connotes incompetence,
or the inability to handle difficult situations. Right
or wrong, these beliefs and attitudes about displays of
emotion are slow to change.
We
need to make a distinction between our organizational
behavior that governs our work and our personal behavior.
I was consulting with a large national law firm several
years ago, when one of the beloved founding partners was
diagnosed with terminal cancer. The west coast office
was stricken with sadness and grief when he passed away.
Partners and secretaries alike cried openly as they expressed
their personal feelings for this individual. No one was
judged negatively for doing so.
Another
example of personal versus organizational response involved
a company significantly impacted by the 1994 Northridge
Earthquake. Many employees were displaced or rendered
homeless. For some, this event triggered unforeseen earlier
fears. Emotions ran high and many tears were shed as the
company struggled to get back to work. Management’s
response was to contact their employee assistance counselor
to offer services on site. The company promoted help-seeking
assistance with this extraordinary event. All the while,
the accompanying message was that everyone was expected
to return to pre-earthquake levels of productivity. A
mechanism had been put in place to deal with personal
feelings, now we need to refocus on production deadlines.
Even in a catastrophic event like this one, people were
expected to contain their emotions while at work.
Coaching
Tips for Controlling Tears
1.
Not all situations that bring tears to our eyes are the
same. Anticipate situations when possible.
Some emotionally charged encounters could be anticipated.
In these instances it is extremely useful to spend time
rehearsing various responses with someone else. Be
prepared! Use what you know about the person
and situation to construct likely scenarios. Practice!
If you can hear yourself responding to what you fear most,
you will lessen your anxiety and defuse your fear while
developing confidence that you can respond effectively.
2.
Women often cry without really knowing why. We cry when
we are actually angry. Devote some energy and time to
identifying your feelings more accurately. Increase
your self-awareness. The more able you are to
distinguish one feeling from another, the more you will
feel able to control tears. You will find yourself less
overwhelmed by feelings and thereby less likely to cry.
Flooding causes crying in women and withdrawal in men.
If,
as you examine your feeling, anger is what you are avoiding,
work at becoming more assertive, so you more accurately
and appropriately express your anger. When you feel that
sensation of crying start to build, take a deep breath
and immediately ask yourself, "What exactly is angering
me? What do I need to do to resolve the situation?"
Re-focus on the problem. This can help calm you down.
3.
Women often cry when they feel overwhelmed with work,
unrecognized, or anxious and fearful about their performance.
If this is you, remember, crying will not make a dent
in what is really wrong. Cultivate a sense of
optimism—things generally work out. Make
a list of the actual and perceived issues and problems
creating your feelings. Seek out others such as a mentor,
outside friend, business coach or networking group. Use
them to assist with gaining a broader perspective that
includes a healthy dose of optimistic alternatives. Few
things in the workplace are life and death. Back up and
give yourself some perspective.
4.
Compartmentalize. If you well up frequently
or easily cry at the office, your personal life may be
intruding on your business life. Although somewhat artificial,
it is important to create and then maintain a boundary
between your personal and professional worlds. Being at
work can be a great diversion. Think of work as a rest
stop from the personal issues! Give yourself permission
to focus on something other than your personal life. Away
from the office, seek support and help from friends, family,
religious leaders, a psychotherapist, family counselor,
or the employee assistance program. Don’t forget
that it took time for the problem to develop; it will
take time to solve.
Compartmentalizing
feelings is also a good skill to learn. Practice not acting
on a feeling you have. Focus instead on the other person.
Learn to delay and restrain the sense of urgency to act
on feelings. It’s a skill men have developed to
a much larger degree than women, and often makes them
seem uncaring and unfeeling. However, women can use this
skill to time the expression of their feelings, and having
control over your feelings provides a wonderful sense
of confidence.
Women
are sensitive to perceived personal criticism. Even though
criticism hurts, again, crying doesn’t make it hurt
less, so we need to re-train ourselves. Calm down.
Have in your repertoire a practice that helps you calm
down when you need to. A good one to cultivate is mindfulness.
Focusing on the breath and your breathing and utilizing
relaxation techniques, you can slow down reactions, gain
control and think more clearly.
A
complimentary strategy is focusing on content
instead of the criticism, or redirecting your
thoughts. For example, comment on how you can
get the reports in more quickly rather than on the remark
about “you’re to slow” or focus on how
the negotiations are proceeding, instead of on your bosses
question about “why haven’t you booked the
business?" Finally, you might say to a colleague,
“Matt, at the moment I’m not as concerned
with your interpretation as I am on this scheduling problem."
5.
If you do find yourself starting to cry when you don’t
want to, acknowledge your feelings or excuse yourself.
You can say, “As you can see, I feel strongly
about this. Let’s focus on how we might get
along better through this tough time.” Or, if you’re
feeling you can’t gain control—say, “As
you can see I feel strongly about this. I’d
like to take a time out and talk about it again later.
I appreciate your understanding.” Then leave and
book another appointment at a later time.
Depending
upon what brings you to tears, any one, or a combination
of these techniques and skills will help you manage your
feelings. Don’t be too harsh on yourself if you
do find yourself crying. You can recoup your reputation
as a composed individual by accepting that we are all
human and we all can be vulnerable yet competent professionals.
The point is that in today’s competitive business
environment having as many tools to increase your effectiveness
as possible also increases your likelihood of success.
As the workplace continues to mature and more courageous
women succeed, business will come to realize that individuals
can be vulnerable and competent at the same time, but
for now, “there is no crying in business.”
Want
to know more?
Listen
to this (always less than 10 minutes):
Is
It OK If Big Girls Cry In The Office? —Business
and Emotions (In Control) Are A Good Mix or read
it here.
Listen
to this (always less than 10 minutes):
Take
These 3 Steps to Gain More Authority
or read it here.
Want
to know more? Listen to this (always less
than 10 minutes): Is
Negotiation Different For Women?
or read it here.
Linda
M. Poverny, Ph.D. is lead consultant in Poverny&Associates,
a Los Angeles, California organizational development consulting
firm specializing in improving organizational performance
by maximizing human potential. In addition, she has a
psychotherapy practice focused on work/family integration,
anger management, identity issues, and relationships.
Dr. Poverny is a published author and national workshop
trainer. She has offices near downtown Los Angeles and
in West Los Angeles, and can reached at 323 661-0403.
Susan Picascia is part of the team at
Corporate Coaching International, a Pasadena, California
based executive coaching and leadership development consulting
firm. She also practices psychotherapy in Studio City,
California where she works with women and men on developing
the self in relationship to work, love, and the spirit.
Her focuses include, professional development, work/life
integration, conflict management, families of all kinds
and happiness. She can be reached at 818 752-1787 or at
www.CorporateCoachingIntl.com.
See
WomensMedia's
Latest Articles.
|
|
