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Ellen
was near tears when she called for help. She described
that she had recently landed her “dream job”
at a large marketing firm. From day one, however, Ellen
explained that the friction between herself and her co-worker,
Mike, was sapping all the joy out of her new position.
Although they were supposed to collaborate together on
projects, Ellen told us that this was nearly impossible
because Mike was dismissive of her ideas and claimed credit
for campaigns that were developed collaboratively. The
breaking point came during their last big project, during
which Mike openly shot down Ellen’s ideas and continually
undermined her during team meetings.
“I
was so upset that I went straight to Mike and asked to
speak with him privately! I explained how I felt but I
also empathized with what he might be feeling. I took
the time to try and show him the big picture of how things
might feel different for both of us at work if we were
able to cooperate more. I feel so angry at how he acts
and I’m worried that our boss can’t see through
his competitive behavior.”
Any
guesses about whether Ellen’s conversation with
Mike resolved or enflamed their conflict? Yup! Bigger
problems ahead for Ellen if she continues to make these
communication mistakes with Mike and her other male co-workers
and supervisees. We’ve all heard about how different
“Mars” and “Venus” are at home
and we face similar challenges at work in terms of successful
and productive communication between the sexes. But don’t
despair… with a little education and a few simple
communication tools under your belt you’ll be ready
to climb all the way to the top of that corporate ladder.
General
Rules
People
are as different as fingerprints and many of us are loathe
to generalize. However, some generalizations are both
appropriate and necessary. Here is a very broad overview
of communication styles of men vs. women:
- men
talk to give information or report; women talk to collect
information or gain rapport
- men
talk about things (business, sports, food); women talk
about people
- men
focus on facts, reason and logic; women focus on feelings,
senses, and meaning
- men
thrive on competing and achieving; women thrive on harmony
and relating
- men
“know” by analyzing and figuring out; women
“know” by intuiting
- men
are more assertive; women are more cooperative
- men
seek intellectual understanding; women are able to empathize
- men
are focused, specific, logical; women are wholistic,
organic and “wide-angle”
- men
are comfortable with order, rules and structure; women
with fluidity
- men
want to think; women want to feel.
Now,
although many of these generalizations may not apply to
you in particular, it’s important to be aware of
how differently most men and women communicate at work.
Certainly the same differences apply outside of the office
as well, but they are often more pronounced at work where
women are asked to fit into what is often a male-dominated
environment and where there is typically less tolerance
for the “female” communication styles listed
above.
Communicating
with your male co-workers
Remember
Ellen? After reading the list above of “general”
male and female communication styles, is it easier to
pick out her mistakes? Here is a list of tips for communicating
with your male co-workers since no one wants this kind
of workplace drama!
1.
Don’t communicate when you’re upset.
When your heart is pounding, your palms are sweaty, you
feel flushed and/or your ears are ringing, productive
communication is nearly impossible. Take some deep breaths,
slowly count to ten, close your eyes and visualize a peaceful
scene in order to calm down before approaching your co-worker.
It may be recommended to wait an hour, an afternoon, or
a day in order to ensure that your communication with
your male colleague is calm, clear, and appropriate for
your environment!
2. Get to the point. Too much extraneous
detail will not make your male co-workers want to be on
your team and you are likely to lose their attention along
the way!
3. Facts not feelings. Remember men focus
on facts and -- especially at work -- find feelings irrelevant
to the conversation. Save the “I feel…”
descriptions for your girlfriends.
4. Be careful of gossip. Not only are
your male co-workers less likely to be interested in gossip,
but it can be dangerous and inappropriate at the workplace
regardless of gender. Trying to engage a male co-worker
in the latest office rumor as a way to “connect”
may unwittingly have the opposite effect!
5. Instrumental vs. expressive. Your
male colleagues are likely to use communication to create
solutions or to fix problems, rather than to express feelings
or thoughts. Remember this when you see their eyes glaze
over as you air your thoughts and feelings on a subject!
Grab – and keep – their attention by focusing
your communication on action, problem-solving, and solutions.
6. Hearing with your intellect not your emotions.
Regardless of what is being said to you, it is crucial
in a workplace setting to put aside your emotional responses,
and to respond from an objective and rational, rather
than an emotional and reactionary, position. (You may
need to re-read and apply rule #1 here.)
7. Do not engage in power struggles.
Remember the phrase “Progress, not Victory”
when faced with a power struggle. Your goal is not to
win, but to move the discussion toward a resolution that
benefits the company/department/team. By remaining solution-focused
you will likely be able to disengage your co-worker from
their competitive corner.
Communicating
with the men that you supervise
1.
Forward communication. By this we mean focusing
the conversation on future actions and solutions rather
than rehashing past mistakes.
2. Instructions vs. suggestions. It is
important that women supervisors/managers clearly communicate
when they are issuing an instruction. Avoid ambiguous
language that could be interpreted as a “suggestion”
by your supervisee.
3. Precise communication. Don’t
leave any room for confusion or misinterpretation. Be
very specific about the how, what, where, and when.
4. Action-oriented conversations. Focus
on actions rather than on feelings, people or extraneous
details.
5. Encourage the asking of questions.
Men are less likely to ask questions, which means it may
be your job to encourage your male supervisee to ask any
questions necessary. A simple, “Any questions about
this?” will do.
6. Cooperation vs. competition. Because
of their competitive nature, it is important in your role
as a supervisor to recognize, acknowledge and praise a
job well done. We recommended that strong supervisors
always encourage cooperation; however with the typically
male focus on achievement, attention to success is critical.
7. Understanding resistance. When confronted
with the resistance of a male employee, it is important
to gain an understanding of where it is coming from. Yes,
it may be that he feels threatened, but it’s also
likely that as an analytical creature, he may need to
look up the facts and check out the data. Rather than
pushing him to agree on the spot, encourage him to do
his own research so that you can gain his support rather
than his reluctant follow through (remember: while resistance
is natural and normal, as the boss you get to give the
instructions at the end of the day!)
So
does that mean that women need to make all the effort
to change in order for them to be heard and understood
in the workplace? If both men and women share the same
office space and contribute equally, why is it women who
are the ones learning the new communication tools? We
have a couple of responses to this. First, it largely
depends on the industry you’re in or the type of
work you do. Any of you who work on the trading floor
on Wallstreet in New York City will likely have to make
100% effort to fit into this world. Our guess is that
talking about “feelings” and explaining that
you bought 10,000 shares of stock for your client based
on “intuition” without looking at the numbers
or data will not earn you a promotion. However, it is
far more likely that at a non-profit organization or design
house that men will be more flexible about different styles
of communication. Second, women (because of our natural
tendency to empathize and cooperate) are far more open
to acknowledging these different styles and learning to
build the bridge. If you work in an environment that allows
for even some non-testosterone driven conversation, then
your new communication tools will hopefully open the doors
for both sexes to learn these skills and increase their
communication flexibility. And finally, like it or not,
we women do have things to learn as there are some female
communication traits that are simply not appropriate or
productive at work!
By
Victoria Simon, Ph.D.,CEO and Holly Pedersen,
Ph.D., President of Talk Works, a communication
and conflict-resolution training company located at 468
N. Camden Drive, Beverly Hills, CA 90201. For more information
call: 310.860.5191, or visit www.OurTalkWorks.com.
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