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Glancing at the clock, Jill notices that she has less
than a half hour to finish her presentation for tomorrow
morning’s meeting before racing home to begin her
second shift of carpooling, cooking, and cleaning. Co-worker
Gary suddenly peeks into her office and asks for help
with his piece of the presentation. Jill immediately finds
herself blurting out, “No problem,” instead
of speaking her truth and saying “No.” Why
do we say yes when we really want to say no?
According to Dr. Judith Tingley, author of Say What
You Mean, Get What You Want: A Businessperson’s
Guide to Direct Communication, the biggest barrier
to communicating assertively is fear. We fear being judged,
criticized or intimidated. We fear losing power, status
or a good friend if we turn down a request. Some of us
fear making our personal needs a priority because that
makes us selfish, a label we tend to avoid at all costs.
Yet the personal costs associated with the inability to
say what we feel include lack of time and energy to pursue
our own desires; anger, bitterness and resentment toward
the individual we agree to help; health issues; and low
self-esteem. I can relate to all the above.
Like most women I possessed goals and dreams. However,
no matter how much lip service I paid to my desires, I
always found myself filling my time meeting other people’s
needs and expectations. This lifestyle came with a payoff.
Staying busy helping others provided me with an incredible
self-image of the “perfect” employee, mother,
wife, friend or daughter, and it also provided me with
the best excuse in the world why I couldn’t pursue
my own dreams. After all, “I simply don’t
have the time.”
When I decided to get honest with myself about my inability
to say no, I had to acknowledge that I craved acceptance
from others because I had not yet learned how to love
and accept myself, imperfections and all. I was sacrificing
my self-respect for the approval of others. I had to admit
that I was scared to death to go after what I said I wanted.
As Oprah would say, that was my “a-ha” moment.
That was the moment when everything began to change.
After learning how to speak my truth with grace, I no
longer was the default setting in everyone else’s
time of crisis. My fears left one by one as I noticed
the newfound respect of others. I was amazed at how coworkers,
friends and family had the capacity to hear the truth
when it was communicated from my heart.
How did I do this? I learned different habits. To help
me remember, I anchor these new behaviors with the same
words children learn when crossing the street. Stop,
Look, and Listen before crossing
(Go).
Stop:
Instead of rushing to make a decision, simply stop
and take a deep breath. Depending on the immediacy
of the situation, you may say something like, “Gee,
that sounds interesting, let me get back to you,”
or “Please give me a minute to gather my thoughts
and take a look at my schedule.” (This is also a
great parenting tip so you don’t have to go back
on your word.) In other words, remove the pressure of
feeling like you have to reply immediately.
Look:
Take a long, hard look at your current commitments
and calendar. If you say your health is the most
important thing in your life, have you put your calendar
where your mouth is? Put your focus on what you want and
schedule it in to make sure it happens. No one is going
to give you what you need to get for yourself. When you’re
clear on your internal goals and schedule your time to
reflect your desires, it’s easier to find the confidence
necessary to say no to others in order to say yes to you.
Listen:
Listen to and acknowledge your feelings. When
you first hear the request, what is your immediate reaction?
Are you excited and enthusiastic about the opportunity,
or do you wish the person would just magically disappear?
Do you truly want to do what is asked, or is it something
you think you “should” do? “Shoulds”
come loaded with guilt. Guilt is simply anger turned inward
because you can’t do what you really want. Honor
your true feelings for long-term personal sanity and happiness.
Go:
Go on with integrity. Let go of your fears and
simply speak your truth. Don’t give excuses –
just a simple, “No, I won’t be able to participate,
but I hope you have a wonderful time,” or “No,
my calendar is full but thank you for thinking of me.”
Or in Jill’s case she could say, “Gary, I
won’t be able to help. I have just enough time left
to finish my own commitments.” Then, zip it. No
need to elaborate or apologize. If you still feel guilty,
ask yourself a simple question: What is my intent? If
your intention in saying no is purely to respect your
own priorities and needs, then release all fears and go
forward. If anyone gets upset, it’s about them,
not about you.
My own personal experience with learning to say no over
the last decade has been an incredible journey. I've carved
out time to get my masters, lose 50 lbs. (eating properly
and exercising takes time!), start my own professional-speaking
business and spend valuable time with my two precious
daughters. After all, if I’m going to teach them
to say no to their peers, I'd best practice what I preach.
Colette
Carlson, M.A., travels the country teaching sales,
negotiation, communication and balance programs. One of
Colette's most requested live program is Communication
Mistakes Even Smart Women Make. Contact her at www.SpeakYourTruth.com
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