There is a memorable Bob Newhart skit where he plays a psychiatrist meeting for the first time with a woman who nervously confesses her problems with claustrophobia, bulimia, and relationships. Newhart is not your classic Freudian shrink who stares into space, saying nothing. In fact, he actually has some advice for his client, which he summarizes in just two words: “STOP IT!”

When the flabbergasted woman just stares at him, he drives his recommendation home by spelling it...   “S-T-O-P, new word I-T!!!”

Session over, mission accomplished, slam bam thank you ma’am.

Like all classic humor, the sketch is funny because it depicts a fundamental truth. When women ask for advice, they are often asking, not for solutions, but for acceptance. And when men give advice, they focus on eliminating the problem, not analyzing its origins.

The “Fix-It” Syndrome

How many times have you come home from a bad day, complaining about a workmate, a traffic snarl, an uncooperative team? After listening for a minute or two, your husband or partner feels compelled to fix it—as soon as possible. “You just have to work around him/it/them,” he opines, grabbing for the remote. He sees the problem as solved, while you feel that he hasn’t heard a word you’ve said.

Financial planning can be a “fix-it” discipline, and as a CFP^® practitioner, I’ve always enjoyed solving problems. And I’ll admit, there are some problems that seem to require a “STOP IT!” response.  Spending too much? Not willing to take any investment risk?  Putting off completing that questionnaire for the estate planning attorney? Just stop doing what you’re doing (or not doing), and everything will be fine.

But the logic and simplicity of such advice has, to my knowledge, never changed behavior. It has, in fact, almost lost me two clients, one whom I told to stop spending money on eating out, the other whom I advised to stop buying shoes. Their flabbergasted response told me that I did not get it. I was advocating eliminating the tip of the iceberg, leaving the real and much greater issues submerged, threatening to sink their financial ship.

I certainly learned from those early mistakes, and now know that my job is to listen, deeply and thoughtfully, long before I offer advice. I’ve learned that women need to be heard, and accepted, before they need to be fixed. Often, they feel isolated with their financial issues. They seek reassurance that others share their situation—that their worries about money are normal. In this way, they differ from men. She wants to know that she is “the same as” whereas he wants to know if he is “better than.”

Questions Before Answers, Empathy Before Advice

When choosing a financial planner, you of course want experience and expertise. You want commitment to an ethical code of standards. But there is another “E” prerequisite you should be looking for: Empathy. On your first visit to interview a prospective advisor, who does most of the talking? Are you offered answers before you have posed all the questions? If you feel relieved when you depart the advisor’s office, is it because the interview is over, or because you have found a safe place to become more financially competent? When you return for a second visit, is it clear that the planner has reflected upon and digested all that you shared in your first meeting?

Sometimes we want professionals who are all business and completely focused on exercising their professional skills. I, for instance, don’t want my attorney to be my pal. It’s just too expensive. A bit of bedside manner works well in doctors, but if I get more than 10 minutes worth, I begin to feel uncomfortable. When it comes to money management, however, our emotional assets and liabilities are just as important as our financial inventory. And they may have a greater impact than a six-figure 401(k) on our ability to be financially successful.

So… if, at initial meetings, your financial advisor does more talking than listening, just tell him or her to “Stop It!” It’s your turn to speak.

About the Author

Eleanor K. H. Blayney, CFP^®, is president of Directions LLC, an online organization dedicated to educating and engaging women in personal finance. She is a licensed Certified Financial Planner and the author of Women's Worth: Finding Your Financial Confidence (2010), which speaks to women about the major financial issues they face, and The Home Budget Workbook (2010), a straightforward guide for creating and maintaining a practical budget. Eleanor is a graduate of Mount Holyoke College and Cambridge University UK, and earned her MBA at the University of Chicago. She belongs to, and has served on the boards of, numerous professional organizations. To learn more about Eleanor, visit her website.