Many people think they are already good listeners. The truth is most of us still have a lot to learn when it comes to listening effectively. The nineteenth century American journalist and satirist Ambrose Bierce defined conversation in this way: “A vocal competition in which the one who is pausing to catch his breath is called the listener.”

Many people are simply waiting to talk—not truly listening.

With technology and the large amount of multitasking we do these days, many distractions keep us from listening effectively. However, the main barrier to effective listening is a busy mind. Most people’s attention is taken up entirely by their own thinking. An example of this is when your mind wanders while someone is talking to you. Here’s an example of a wandering mind:

Andy, a co-worker, is speaking to you, and you start to become bored with what he is saying. Your mind begins to wander. You think about the business dinner you plan to attend tomorrow evening. Are you prepared for the discussion that will follow the dinner? You make a to-do list in your mind. You tune back in to Andy because he has just said something that you disagree with. You begin to go over, in your mind, the points you will make to correct him. He is always bringing up the same issues, but he never takes any steps towards resolving them. Maybe he just likes to complain. You hope that the business dinner tomorrow night is not a complaint-fest. You happen to notice the hair growing on Andy’s ears. He should shave that. This makes you think of a quote. How did that quote go? Something about hair loss as you age being a myth…you don’t lose the hair, it just relocated—to your ears, your nose, your back. You’ll have to look that quote up online when you get back to your desk. You take a moment to interrupt Andy and correct him. He then interrupts you to defend his points. You begin thinking about how he never listens to reason. You wonder how much longer he’ll be with the company.

Mental noise, or mind chatter, starts in seconds and happens constantly.

Another example of a busy mind—and also a common barrier to listening—is called rehearsing. Rehearsing is thinking about, or preparing in your mind, what you are going to say next, while the other person is still talking. You mentally rehearse important points you want to make, formulating your response in your head, before the other person has finished talking. You’ve stopped really listening, and now you’re just waiting…waiting for the other person to stop talking (or to pause even!) so you can say what you want to say.

Despite all the distractions we deal with every day—both in this fast-paced world in which we live and in our own heads—we can improve our listening and communication skills. Taking the time to develop this essential yet often over-looked skill results in countless positive outcomes, both professionally and personally.

For example, let’s look at another common barrier, disagreeing. Disagreeing is deciding before the other person has finished talking that you do not agree with what is being said. You focus on what you disagree with rather than listening and trying to understand what is being said. You may listen for weak points—something you can argue against—and feel your rebuttal building inside of you. You start thinking how wrong the other person is, and it’s up to you to set him straight and show him the error of his ways! You may want to promote your own view so badly that you miss the opportunity to explore someone else’s view.

\When we think that our opinions are the “truth,” as opposed to simply beliefs, it can prevent us from effectively listening and learning from the opinions or others. To experience or witness the disagreeing barrier, engage in or watch the following:

• Discussions about religion or politics
• Conversations about global warming
• Political debates between Republicans and Democrats
• Arguments about whose sports team is better

Human beings have a strong need to be right. We identify on a deep level with our belief systems and viewpoints. Begin noticing this in yourself and in others. (Of course, it’s much easier to notice it in others, but more important to notice it in yourself.) What if someone disagrees with your views on politics or religion? Do you call them wrong? Do you stop listening and begin trying to prove that you are right? We all come from different backgrounds, cultures, families, and experiences. We can learn from each other’s differences if we choose…or we can try to prove ourselves right and prove others wrong. People in successful relationships know that more will be gained by listening effectively and trying to understand, even if they disagree.

Keep an open mind. Wait until the other person has finished talking before you decide whether you agree or disagree. Listen to all the points being made. When you feel the need to argue your point or prove the other person wrong, bring your focus back to what the other person is saying in an effort to understand.

Why bother listening when you disagree? For the benefits:

1. You could actually learn something! You may gain some insight into what makes the other person “tick,” or you may learn something new about the topic at hand.
2. When people feel genuinely heard, they usually become less defensive. When you listen in an effort to understand someone, an argument leading nowhere turns into a conversation filled with respect and consideration.
3. Less stress! When you listen to understand, as opposed to interjecting and arguing for your beliefs, the conversation is easier and healthier for both parties involved.
4. You will have expanded your field of knowledge, even if you do not change your opinion.

You don’t always have to agree with what the other person is saying, but do your best to understand what he or she is saying.

Sometimes when people think of improving their listening skills, they think of the ways in which listening will improve family relationships and friendships. It will improve those relationships, but it will also improve your professional life. People want to work with people who will listen to their needs and help solve their problems. To learn about a potential client’s needs, you don’t talk and tell them what you can do for them. You learn by listening. People don’t respond well when they think others are trying to push something on them without really hearing what they have to say. When potential customers are listened to, their trust in you grows. And people want to do business with those whom they trust.

Whether in your personal or professional life, one of the greatest gifts you can give another person is your full attention. I believe the world will be a better place with more effective communicators in it, and effective communication begins with knowing how to listen. When you take the time to work on this skill, you are not only improving your own life, you are improving the lives of those around you. You are doing your part to make the world a little better.

“The first duty of love is to listen.” —Paul Tillich, philosopher

About the Author

Rebecca Carswell is a speaker and the author of Hey, Are You Listening To Me? and The GROUP: An Amazing Way to Achieve Success, Happiness & Extraordinary Relationships. She is also an interfaith minister and a hypnotherapist. She can be reached at www.RebeccaCarswell.com.