Do you doubt yourself and your abilities more than you would like? Do you frequently second-guess yourself, or find yourself envying people who seem to have more self-confidence than you do? Do you question your own competency with statements like, “I know I don’t have all the qualifications, but . . . ?”

If you answered yes to any of these questions, learning how to access your “confidence muscle” may get you back on track. Let’s begin by discussing what confidence is.

Confidence is the ability to show up for all that happens in life—the struggles and the successes. A confident woman is able to grow through painful situations. She knows there is no such thing as failure and gains life lessons from every experience. She is not overly concerned about what others think, adhering instead to her own internal compass. But a confident woman can reach out for help when support is needed. She approaches obstacles in the knowledge that she has the resources to deal with them. As she connects deeply to her inner core, she gains strength and acts from a centered place.

This doesn’t mean she never has a shaky moment, that her stomach doesn’t rumble on occasion, or that life’s challenges fall away. What it does mean is that she can trust herself to handle any difficulty. So, what could sabotage this ability?

Self-Criticism

Self-criticism depletes energy that could be put to more productive use. The more we disengage from self-critical thoughts, the more confidence we have to do the things that are important to us.

I’m well acquainted with the harsh inner critic that lives in my head and tells me that nothing I do is good enough—that I’m not good enough. When this critic surfaces, it drains my energy and I suddenly start to doubt myself. My critic tries to tell me that what I am writing isn’t poignant, that what I am saying doesn’t matter to anyone, that what I am wearing isn’t flattering, and so on. When I become aware that I’m giving attention to such thoughts, I deliberately stop what I’m doing, pause, and tell myself, “These lies have no power over me.” I say this without gritting my teeth, instead smiling and bringing a sense of humor to this inner gossip. I find that humor is a potent antidote when we are too harsh on ourselves.

The following exercise will help you release critical messages so that you can make better use of your talents and abilities.

Quiet Your Harsh Inner Critic

In a journal, write down one of the messages your inner critic frequently parrots. For example, “I don’t have the talent to pull this off.” Then spend a few minutes considering the message. Do you really believe this? Why? Did someone in your past tell you this? Which of your qualities refute it? Write yourself a message that replaces the critical thought with a positive one.

Here are some additional tools to help you build confidence. They involve acknowledging your accomplishments, reaching out for help and taking a leap of faith. As you get into the habit of doing these things, you will feel better about yourself.

Appreciate Your Accomplishments

In our quest to better ourselves we may gloss over the talents and abilities we’ve developed. It’s important to acknowledge these abilities and the achievements that have resulted. Doing this helps build confidence. Taking an inventory of achievements on a weekly basis—actually writing them down—will create awareness of your unique contributions and help you claim your accomplishments.

Get a Confidence Mentor

Asking for and getting the support you need is empowering. A mentor acts as a mirror, reflecting those things that you know deep down, but may have discounted. A mentor can help you take actions and accomplish goals beyond what you may have considered possible.

Act As If

At first you may not feel confident in new situations or when expressing yourself in new ways. One useful strategy is to act “as if ” you do. You’ll probably feel a bit awkward, but that doesn’t mean you can’t handle the situation or that real confidence won’t be developed in time. With effort and experience, it will.

About the Author

In her new book, In Her Power: Reclaiming Your Authentic Self (Beyond Words/Atria Books, 2012), Helene Lerner gives women tools to more fully experience their power. As a prolific author, independent public television host, Emmy Award-winning executive producer and workplace consultant, Lerner is also the founder of WomenWorking.com, a premier website for career women.