Small Talk to BIG TALK

Written by Susan RoAne

Sunday, 20 September 2009 00:04

For years, people have denigrated small talk as phony and boring. However, my research shows otherwise. I surveyed 100 great conversationalists and found two stunning results.

The first result was that 75 percent of the respondents, people whom I considered to be great conversationalists, still thought of themselves as shy. Several of them admitted to working through their shyness, but they still said they felt uncomfortable around people. They could have fooled me—in fact, they did. They worked through it so well that I found them to be exemplary at conversation.

The second result was not surprising as much as it was confirming. Not one of these great chatters demeaned small talk. Every one of them saw it as a way of getting to know people, putting them at ease, and finding common ground.

Tips to Kick-start Conversation
Have you ever had a wonderful conversation with someone who had no interest in the little things that start, move, and expand our verbal exchanges? I think not. Only people who are poor at small talk put it down. When these detractors say that small talk is boring or unimportant, maybe they’re really saying that they don’t care about you, the person they’re speaking with.

Starting with small talk—those things we have in common—leads to BIG Talk as we segue, pursue a tangent and LISTEN. Here are small-talk tips that I’ve gleaned over my years of writing and speaking to clients about the art of conversation.

Have an introduction prepared, so you aren’t tongue-tied when you meet someone at a party, conference, or event.
Read the paper, either online or in print, so that you know what’s going on in your community, country, profession and world.
Do not follow the advice of experts who say, “Just ask people questions because people love to talk about themselves.” If all you do is ask questions, you bring nothing to the banquet; people will think you are a prying, probing busybody.
Listen to what people say instead of planning your next line. They are telling you what they want to talk about, and you can take a hint and build meaningful conversation.
Start small; establish a connection and you will naturally build to the bigger topics.
Ask questions, but avoid questions that are inappropriate, contrived, and cheesy. If the question doesn’t feel right to you, it isn’t.
Share stories that relate to the interests of others, because people connect with our stories—not factoids or sales pitches.
Say something that relates to the moment you’re sharing at an event: Talk about the food, theme, parking, traffic, or even the host. It's small talk but it starts the exchange that leads to finding common interests and moves to BIG TALK.
Remember, most people are nice and will welcome pleasant conversation.

Really, It Works
Everyone knows that networking and adding contacts builds business. When you meet someone new, you can’t jump into “big” talk—what you are selling—right off the bat. You need to warm up with small talk and establish a rapport before you progress to big talk. BONUS TIP: Talk to people, not as prospects, but as potential colleagues and friends.

Join the Party
So, how do you initiate contact with someone so you can dazzle them with your conversation skills? It’s especially challenging when you enter a room full of people clumped in groups. They say that “breaking up is hard to do,” but breaking in can be more difficult. However, the ability to gracefully join a conversation in progress enhances your business and career.

Entrance 1. Beat the crowd. Arrive early, usually within 15 minutes of the event’s beginning. That way the room is not full of groups, and you can initiate a conversation with an individual without worrying about choosing a group to join.

Entrance 2. When you see many groups in a room, find the one with three or more people who look and sound like they are having a good time. Stand on the periphery and, when acknowledged, step in and respond with your already prepared introduction. Don’t worry—most people won’t leave you hanging in the periphery for long.

Once you’re established in a group, share it with other outsiders. When you see someone standing on the periphery, take a step back. Reset the circle. This inclusive action allows the person to join your group. It's a gracious gesture that is not likely to be forgotten.

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow
Successfully joining or initiating a conversation is only half the battle. Making a graceful exit from a conversation—especially a slow, painful one—can be equally difficult.

Exit 1. Interrupt yourself, indicate that the conversation was pleasant and interesting, and say something brief that that summarizes your discussion: “Wow. I never knew first-time buyers could be such a profitable niche.” Offer your hand, which everyone recognizes as a signal that the end of your encounter has arrived. I have a colleague who smiles and says, “I could monopolize your time but you must want to meet others.” It works for her. Ask for a card if appropriate, and offer one of yours. Walk a quarter of the room away to another individual or group, so your conversation partner won’t think you just turned your back.

Exit 2. When you are ready to abandon a conversation that’s belabored, be polite. You never know when a rude remark or gesture will haunt you in the future. Offer your hand and in the most upbeat voice you can muster say, “I hope you enjoy the rest of the [event].” Again, walk at least a quarter of the room away from the person before initiating contact with someone else. It’s important to mask the fact that you couldn’t wait to get away, because you never know who will appear across a closing table or be a key contact down the road.

Exit 3. Another technique is the “bring-along.” Instead of excusing yourself, offer to introduce your new contact to others. An introduction spoken with respect, interest, and energy is infectious.

Meeting and conversing with new people can be enjoyable and is a great way to expand your business. Don’t be nervous. Use small talk and smooth entrances and exits to increase your contact base in a smart and memorable way.

About the Author

Susan RoAne, an in-demand keynote speaker, is the author of Face To Face: How To Reclaim the Personal Touch in a Digital World. She is The Mingling Maven® who teaches people how to make small talk that yields big rewards. To have Susan speak at your next meeting, contact her at 415/461-3915 or This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .

Last Updated on Sunday, 20 September 2009 00:26