We can look at the Panama Canal as an analogy for effective listening skills. Massive gates hold back the higher water from the next gate with a lower water level. The pressure builds up and when the gate is opened, the flow is in one direction. We can compare this scene to the state of mind of an individual suffering from deep emotional wounds, or involved in a serious interpersonal conflict. If she’s holding in her emotions, she needs a release. At this point, she’s unlikely to think clearly about the challenge or to be receptive to input from another.

Listening First Aid
The role of the listener is to allow such an individual to open the gates. When she does, the water gushes out. During this venting process, there’s still too much pressure for a person to consider other perspectives. Only when the water level has leveled off between the two compartments, does the water begin to flow evenly back and forth. The role of the listener is to help empty the large reservoirs of emotion, anger, stress, frustration and other negative feelings until the individual can see more clearly. Not until then can a party consider the needs of the other. We can think of it as listening first aid.

The process of listening so others will talk is called empathic listening. Empathy, according to some dictionary definitions, means to put oneself in a position to understand another person. Certainly, this is an aspect of empathy. We prefer to define empathy, however, as it is often used in psychology: the process of attending to another so the individual feels heard in a non-judgmental way. Empathic listening requires that we accompany a person in her moment of sadness, anguish, self-discovery, challenge (or even great joy!). When an individual feels understood, an enormous emotional burden is lifted; stress and defensiveness are reduced; and clarity increases.

You Can Learn To Be An Empathic Listener
We spend a large part of our waking hours conversing and listening. When two friends or colleagues have an engaging conversation, they’ll often compete to speak and share ideas. Certainly, listening skills play an important role in stimulating exchanges. When it comes to empathic listening, we do not vie to be heard, nor do we take turns speaking. Rather, we are there to motivate and cheer the other person on.

Empathic listening skills require a different subset of proficiencies than conversing. It is an acquired skill. Many individuals, at first, find the process somewhat uncomfortable. Furthermore, people are often surprised at the exertion required to become a competent listener. Once the skill is attained, there is nothing automatic about it. In order to truly listen, we must set aside sufficient time to do so. Perhaps the root of the challenge lies here. People frequently loose patience when listening to another’s problem. Empathic listening is incompatible with being in a hurry, or with the fast paced world around us. Such careful listening requires that we—at least for the moment—place time on slow motion and suspend our own thoughts and needs. Clearly, there are no shortcuts to empathic listening.

There are many ways we discount the needs of others, even when we think we are being good listeners. For instance, we may attempt to share our own story of loss, disappointment, or of success, before the individual has had the opportunity to be heard in his story. We may feel that sharing our own story is proof that we are listening, but instead, the other person feels we have stolen the show. This is not to say that there is no room to share our story with others, but rather, we should hear them out first. Some persons confuse empathic listening with being silent. First attempts to listen empathically are often betrayed by facial and body language that say “be quiet so I can give you advice.” Have you ever tried to speak to someone who is silent and gives no indication of what he is thinking? We do not know if the person has lost interest or is judging us.

When people have deep sentiments to share, rarely do they expose their vulnerability by getting to the point right away. When someone says, “I’m worried because…” and another responds, “Don’t worry so much,” the worried person does not cease to be concerned. Rather, it becomes clear that the apprehension cannot be safely shared with this individual. Likewise, when a person proceeds to give a suggestion before understanding the situation, individuals will frequently pretend to go along with the proposal simply to get rid of the problem solver. There’s a natural tendency to move from listening, to diagnosing, and then to prescribing. Rarely do people reverse the process and return to listening after entering the diagnostic phase.

Show That You’re Listening
A listener is considered empathic not only because she listens, but also because she makes it clear she is listening. A good listener has sufficient confidence in herself to be able to listen to others without fear. The listener:

• Motivates the other to speak without feeling judged.
• Does not use pauses as an excuse to interrupt.
• Permits the speaker to direct the conversation.

Through this process the individual—if we earn her confidence—begins to speak more, to control the direction of the topic, to increase self understanding (by first reviewing that which is known and later by digging deeper), to consider possible options, and often, by choosing a possible outcome. There are many ways we can signal an interest in listening. One of the most typical is to simply say, “Tell me more.” We could also say something like, “How interesting!” or simply, “Interesting.” What is important in all this is that we are not stuck with one monotonous and irritating technique, whether it is body language or repeating a key word used by the speaker, or any other specific technique. In fact, once the person feels heard, the need to interrupt and let them know we are listening diminishes.

Monitor Your Role In The Conversation
Part of being a good listener requires consciously fighting to keep an open mind and avoiding preconceived conclusions. To monitor your role, you should ask yourself:
Am I ...

• Allowing the person with the problem to do most of the talking?
• Avoiding premature conclusions based on my life experiences?
• Helping the individual to better understand himself?
• Permitting the person to retain ownership of the challenge?
• Showing the party that we are listening without judging?

You can see how improving your listening skills will improve your relationships. Fortunately, this skill can be learned. So it’s time to get out there and start using these techniques!

 Gregorio Billikopf, University of California.

© 2006 University of California in cooperation with WomensMedia. This article was adapted especially for WomensMedia and cannot be reproduced without the written permission of WomensMedia. For the full-length article, go to listening skills or write the author at This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it .