“Confidence, like art, never comes from having all the answers; 
it comes from being open to all the questions.” 
—Earl Gray Stevens

In a competitive environment, you can be sure that at some point someone will withhold facts or details that you need to know. It’s a power play and an effective one. Or, you may get the wrong information. That’s just as bad. If you are alert, you will know when either one of these situations is likely to have occurred. In such cases, verify your information with a more reliable source.

Asking may at times seem "not nice"—it may appear imprudent. Asking might make you feel stupid, but not asking is a surefire career killer. The three skills most frequently mentioned by the successful women I’ve interviewed are 1) asking, 2) not being afraid to make mistakes, and 3) persevering. How successful women learn these skills is often as serendipitous as how they find great jobs.

Women who have succeeded are self-confident. They are easy about their confidence—there’s no arrogance, no self-congratulation. If you don’t have confidence, get it. If it was not instilled at home, then find it outside. I mean it! Do whatever it takes: meditation, therapy, counseling. From time immemorial, boys have received more confidence-training at school and at home. For some reason, girls have not been encouraged to develop similar levels of confidence. So we lose out in later years. If you have confidence, you can often "go with your gut." Women have good instincts. Those who have reached a significant level of success can usually look back and recognize that many of their most important decisions were made by gut instinct.

Confidence is usually instilled by a parent. Almost every successful woman I interviewed was brought up believing that she could do whatever she wanted to do. I always ask, "Who helped —who showed you the light?"

If your parents didn’t instill confidence in you—if they didn't convince you that you are invincible—that doesn’t mean that you can’t be successful. But it is one more thing to be aware of as you make your way through the muddle. There may be a lot to assess, but having sufficient knowledge about yourself will make your journey that much easier.

Asking for what you want is the first step toward developing healthy confidence. Karen Elliott House, publisher of the Wall St. Journal, learned to ask:

“I went to Washington in October of 1971. Sarah McClendon from Texas used to cover the White House, Helen Thomas was there for UPI, and another woman named Fran Lewin had just been promoted for AP. I thought it was wonderful. ... But I realized a few years later that people see women as having jobs and men as having careers. So then you start to realize how lucky [you are] to have these opportunities and if anyone needs anything more, they’ll ask. Yes, they’ll ask you to do another reporting assignment and then another. But no one is looking at you and thinking you can be more than a reporter. So then I adopted the philosophy if you want something, ask—the worst that can happen is that the answer is no. I just kind of figured that out.”

For some reason we are often afraid to ask, and that fear leaves us vulnerable. If we don’t know the answer, we are at a disadvantage in making decisions or taking strategies to a next level. Men ask—or they get someone to ask for them.

The women who make it to the top are exceptional. They share certain attributes or gifts, either naturally or by choice. They take risks and ask for what they want. On their way up they ask for better assignments, they ask about money and perks, they ask for help when they are not sure. There is no concern about making decisions just to please others. “If more women are going to be in senior positions, they’re going to fail the way men fail. We just have to have a natural acceptance of that,” says Shelly Lazarus, Chairman and CEO of Ogilvy & Mather Worldwide.

It helps to understand the big picture to ensure that your decisions fit the world around you. It doesn’t matter whether your immediate world is a division, a department or the entire company. You don’t exist in a vacuum, even though you may sometimes feel as though you are out there by yourself. There are people in a position to help, no matter what the issue. There are experts. Making decisions in isolation is usually not the best way, although for some people it may be the most comfortable.

Besides asking for help, ask for jobs, a better position, or a higher salary. Few of us imagine that we will make a lot of money. That usually isn't our prime motivator. Most of the women I spoke with simply wanted temporary financial independence and an interesting life.

Sometimes you have to ask for everything. That can be hard to do. It's tough to know what questions to ask when it comes to issues beyond the scope of work—the perks. I marvel at how some guys can come into a position and immediately set up their club memberships, board memberships and reimbursable expenses. I have rarely seen a woman do such things easily, although I suspect it is happening more frequently now.

We were warned by our parents not to ask about salary or vacation until we were offered the job. Good girls didn’t ask—it was impolite. Today the subject often comes up during the first interview, along with vacation, bonuses, and other perks relevant to the job. High-ranking female officers at major companies believe that women absolutely have to ask in order to achieve equality.

When you sit down with your boss, you should be discussing money. Women hate discussing money and compensation. Don’t be uncomfortable when you talk to people about money. In the performance evaluation process, the first thing men talk about is compensation. Women often say that money is not that big issue for them, that they'll get paid what they deserve and that’s good.

If you have the confidence, you can go with your gut, and you can ask the questions you need to ask in order to gain valuable information. Knowledge is power. But you only get it by asking, seeking, researching. As Shelly Lazarus says, “I think you have to be willing to seize opportunity. I don’t mean that in a negative or political sense, but when someone asks if you can step up to a challenge, the answer should be, yes, I may not know how, but I am going to try. I was never afraid to ask anybody for help. You ask because you want to do a good job. In my experience, if you are being asked to do things you don’t know how to do most people will spend a lot of time trying to help you.”

About the Author

Diane Smallen-Grob is the author of Making It in Corporate America. Diane has more than 20 years of business experience. She was Managing Director at Burson-Marsteller, heading the Latin America technology practice. In addition, she ran a small PR firm and held financial marketing positions with top Wall Street firms. You may contact Diane at her website.