Why Does This Keep Happening to Me?

Written by Belanie Dishong

Wednesday, 13 May 2009 21:48

Do you ever catch yourself saying, "Why does this keep happening to me?" Perhaps not out loud, but in your head? No matter what you try, do you feel you just can’t get beyond it? Well, here's your chance to get beyond it.

Circumstances do happen… people do things, life is not fair, people do discriminate, there is favoritism, others take credit for the work you do, partners do have affairs, children are mistreated, people are ruthless and break hearts, people get promoted into the job that you have worked so hard for, and accidents do happen. You’re tired of people telling you, “Stuff happens, get over it and move on. Focus on what you want out of life and forget about all that junk.” You’re tired of it and I don’t blame you!

Fortunately, that’s exactly the state of mind you need to be in to change it! And, yes, you have the power to change it and all “it” takes is a TINY shift in your perspective. But first we need to explore exactly where you are now. Then you can move forward.

According to Webster, a victim is:

A person who suffers from a destructive or injurious action or agency
An unfortunate person who suffers from some adverse circumstance

You'll note a common theme between the two definitions: “who suffers.” It isn’t the circumstances or the situations that have occurred in your life that keep you in this state of suffering…it’s your reaction that keeps you there. You blame circumstances for what occurred and you feel you’re powerless to change them! Suffering is something you can endure for long periods of time. What determines how long is seeing yourself as a powerless victim.

Living powerless in your circumstances comes at a hefty price: It causes confusion, upset and anger. It robs you of clarity and peace and keeps you from getting what you want out of life. You can’t even see your options because you’re looking through a “powerless victim window.” This view limits you and condemns you to more of the same. This view makes you think or say:

“I can’t because..,”
“If it hadn’t happened to me...,”
“Why does this stuff always happen to me?”
“It just isn’t fair!”

There is a way out!
Freeing yourself from these limiting beliefs is possible. The light at the end of the tunnel is not a train…it’s daylight.

If you want to have something different in your life, you must understand the formula that got you where you are. From that formula you will see how to get where you want to be. I call this formula: “Three F’s to Success ™.” It’s the gateway to understanding how you arrived where you are AND how to progress to where you want to be.

First, let’s explore each of the Three F’s:

Fact – something happens
Fiction – you make it mean something negative (usually about you) which creates beliefs and thoughts that continually reinforce the Fiction
Future – your outcome (based upon how you react to the Fact and Fiction going forward)

Putting “The Three F’s to Success ™” Formula
To Work For You!

As you can see, bridging the gap between Fact and Fiction provides you with the key to your dreams and the doorway out of your current state of victim into victorious in the Future. Working the formula is a process of going backwards. First you must understand how you got where you are and then you will see how to get more of what you want. Let’s take a situation with one of our clients as an example on how to work with the formula.

Jan’s desire was to be promoted and to advance in her career. She worked very hard and put in extra hours, but regardless of her performance she was not promoted. She watched others being promoted. She could see she was as qualified for promotion…but she was always passed up. We began to work the formula backwards.

Step	Action	Jan's Responses
1	Write down your current situation - the one you'd like to change	No matter how hard I work, I never get promoted.
2	Listen and write down the thoughts that support the outcome you have gotten	I am never picked. I work really hard and can’t get ahead. They never see my value. It will never happen for me.
3	Write down the beliefs you have that support your thoughts.	Other people get all the breaks. I’ll never get what I want. Only special people are picked…I’m ordinary. I don’t matter.
4	Looking back, write down the evidence that you have gathered that support your beliefs.	There had been three opportunities for advancement at work, and I missed all three. In high school I was never selected to chair committees or programs. On the playground I was always the last one picked for teams. I was only asked to parties if everyone I knew was invited, then I’d be included.
5	Discover the difference between Fact and Fiction	Jan has three sisters. She is the oldest of the girls. While working the formula, she remembers: Mom was going to town and said to Jan and her sister, “If you work really hard and get all your chores done you can go with me to town.” So Jan worked really hard and got everything done. Meanwhile, Jan’s father had a work emergency that was going to take much of his afternoon, and he would need help with watching the baby. When Jan completed her chores she called mom in to see what she had accomplished. Her mother responded, “Yes, but you can’t go into town with me this time. I need someone to stay behind and watch the baby.” Jan could actually remember that very moment that she concluded, “I don’t matter.” Fact: Jan had to stay home and help with her baby sister. Fiction: Jan made the situation mean “I don’t matter.”This meaning created a belief, which stayed with her and caused thoughts that produced her future…“victim” results.

Once Jan was able to see the source of her outcomes, she could then create new outcomes based upon what she wanted to accomplish in the future and see the thoughts that were consistent with what she wanted. She then became free of the negative victim thoughts and limiting beliefs and could begin getting what she really wanted out of life.

Try It!
You, too, can put the “Three F’s to Success ™” to work for you. Go through this exercise. Start working on the future you desire today. I promise, it will give you power and results you never believed possible.

About the author, Belanie Dishong