Jenny is an outgoing, smart pharmaceutical sales representative for a major drug company who has spent weeks building rapport with a clinic’s medical staff, filling their supply cabinet with samples and discussing trial results, statistics and supporting data with busy physicians. Yet, at the close of a precious 15-minute meeting with a doctor, she turns and says, “Well, if I can provide service in any way, please let me know.” They shake hands and she’s out the door. As I am only there to observe, I keep my mouth shut. Inside I am screaming, Ask for the business already!

Those of you who are familiar with the research from Linda Babcock and Sara Laschever in their book, Women Don’t Ask (Bantam, 2007), have already heard the startling results that women are still not asking for what they want at the same rate as men. Jenny had spent weeks building value and providing service. She had earned the right to ask for the business. After all, her company wasn’t paying her to provide free samples, but rather to close sales. Instead, she took the easy way out and offered to be of further service -- a "passive-digressive" approach. Which leads me to ask, “Is this you?”

Playing Around the Edges

If you’ve ever attended a course on assertiveness, you know that in communication you can be aggressive (a win-lose approach), passive (lose-win), passive-aggressive (lose-lose) or assertive (win-win). Assertiveness involves clearly stating your needs without violating the needs of others. Yet, I believe many women fall in another category, which I’ve labeled Passive Digressive.

Rather than not speak up for yourself at all (passive behavior), or speak up in a way that disrespects the needs of others (aggressive or passive-aggressive behavior), the passive-digressive individual communicates sideways. Rather than being clear and direct (assertive behavior), she zigzags around an issue by being roundabout.

For example, an assertive response in Jenny’s situation might be: “Based on our discussions, what percentage of your patients with the appropriate symptoms will you prescribe Drug X to?” This is a closing question because it asks the doctor to articulate his commitment to using the product and opens the door for further discussion if the numbers reflect a lack of interest.

Jenny’s indirect approach allowed her to feel as if she were being proactive and serving the customer, but she was digressing from the real issue at hand—asking for the order. Why? Because her choice was unlikely to lead to rejection, conflict or confrontation. Rather than deal with a moment of discomfort, Jenny sold herself out for security and safety. Winning the doctor’s approval was more important than winning the sale.

Using Hints and Sarcasm

This type of communication can show up in other ways too. “It sure would be helpful if people turned in their expense reports earlier,” hints at what you want, but still isn’t clear and direct. Delivered in a cutting or derisive tone, the statement could sound like sarcasm and turn others off. Assertiveness sounds more like this: “In order to deliver the final numbers to accounting, I need everyone to turn in their expense reports by Tuesday morning at 9 a.m. Does anyone have a conflict with honoring this schedule?”

More than once in an airport (my home away from home), I’ve heard a woman say to her partner, “Gee, this suitcase is awfully heavy,” instead of simply asking, “Would you please help me with this luggage?” Why hint or tip-toe around an issue when you can simply be direct? Hinting doesn’t always deliver the goods, and can frustrate others in the process.

A manager who comments to a tardy employee, “I went by your cubicle first thing this morning, but you weren’t there,” is taking a passive-digressive approach. So is saying to a colleague, “You’re so good at running the fundraising committee that I’m sure you wouldn’t mind doing it again this year.” Women sometimes think they’re using a softer style when asking for what they want in a roundabout way, but to me it just seems manipulative.

In the first example, it’s more appropriate for the boss to say, “Sandy, in the past month you’ve been more than 15 minutes late to work three times. This concerns me because when you’re not here others have to cover your responsibilities. I need and expect you to be here at 8 a.m. every day.” In the second example, an assertive approach would be to say, “You do a great job of running the fundraising committee. Is this something you’d be willing to take on again this year?” This communicates respect and allows the person a choice without being backed into a corner.

Buried in Verbiage

Rather than stating their requests upfront and waiting to see if further explanations are needed, some women go into too much detail and background before getting to the point—another roundabout approach. Often people are trying to justify their requests, possibly because they don’t feel worthy. Remember, Jenny? She had a right to ask for the doctor’s business.

If you are adding value to your place of business, you too have a right to ask clearly and directly for what you need to be successful. That’s why I encourage you to “say it in a sentence.” By doing so you will think before you speak, own your message and gain the listener’s attention with your clarity.

The next time you choose to go after what you claim to want, avoid the passive-digressive approach—one of the biggest communication mistakes women make. Instead, put one word in front of the other on the most direct path.

About the Author

Colette Carlson, M.A., travels the country teaching sales, negotiation, communication and balance programs. One of Colette's most requested live program is "Communication Mistakes Even Smart Women Make."  Contact her at www.SpeakYourTruth.com regarding this presentation and others.